User:Franktidwell
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 Frank walking with spouse Natasha |
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| Born | December 11, 1984 Silsbee, TX United States |
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| Residence | United States |
| Nationality | American |
| Field | Satire |
| Alma mater | Lamar University |
| Known for | Ability to juggle |
Frank Tidwell is the alias of Steve Tidwell. He currently resides in Beaumont, TX, but is prepared to flee to a more secure location in the event of a zombie infestation. Steve married his wife Natasha Davis at the Jefferson Theatre on December 21st, 2006. He is currently working toward a degree in political science, with which he plans to teach government in high school and raise a legion of liberals to paint the state of Texas blue.
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[edit] Early Life
Frank Tidwell was born into indentured servitude by a band of traveling gypsies. It was from this (and prolonged exposure to gamma rays) that gave him his signature ability to juggle. After escaping this vagabond life he went on to discover that he was the illegitimate son of Woodrow Wilson. Frank would later appeal to Gerald Ford for assistance in life, but all requests would be denied. For three years he resided in an orphanage in the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains before being bought by his parents for some magic beans and an illustrated book about birds.
[edit] Education
From an early age Frank was seen as a sort of prodigy. From astounding his second grade teacher by proposing and solving the liar paradox before recess to proving that the principals of economics according to Adam Smith were bunk, Frank excelled in extracurricular thought experiments. He received, however, mediocre grades. This was due to bribery and coercion of his instructors by his life-long nemesis Kaa. Through high school he had constant run-ins with the International Criminal Police Organization Interpol, due to a clerical error marking him as both the Zodiac Killer and a member of the Essex Junto. After grade school Frank attended the Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters or Xavier Institute until realizing that he was indeed not a freak and burned down the mansion (thus forever since placing him on the good side of Interpol). Realizing that climbing the academic ladder the traditional way took a very long time, Frank founded an online university and graced himself with an honorary Ph.E (that is one better than a Ph.D).
[edit] Political Life
After acquiring his degree, Frank decided to run as an independent for the senate in the state of Connecticut.
Frank's Platform
- institution of newspeak as the official language of the United States
- allowing all followers of the Christian Coalition to:
- murder all homosexuals as their religious teaching dictates
- practice homosexualism as their repressed psyche dictates
- grant clemency on Joan of Arc (the Leelee Sobieski one, not the Milla Jovovich one)
Mr. Tidwell failed to acquire office, because, frankly, he had no political experience. (And he was discovered to have a stuffed hobo in his den.) This failure to claim power would nag at him for the next five years.
[edit] The Lost Years
After the failed attempt at government, Frank decided to relocate to the United Kingdom. During his flight, the plane was mistakenly attacked by a stray Navy missile. TWA 800 reportedly exploded over the Atlantic Ocean with no survivors. The truth, however, is that Tidwell lashed two sheets of fuselage wreckage together and coasted to a small island inhabited only by sirens. Frank lived on this island in bondage until he discovered his supernatural ability to tune out the sound of droning female voices (a skill which would serve him well in the future). Frank lived with the luxury of a kingdom of sirens to do his bidding for four years. Later he was embarrassed to discover that the island was nothing more than Martha's Vineyard and the sirens were simply discarded Kennedy children who were forced from the Kennedy compound for having teeth that were simply too short.
[edit] Dramatic Return to Civilized Life
[edit] The Baltic War
The reemergence of Frank Tidwell into the civilized world was with a bang. Or rather with a half hour of a growing 'wrrrrr' and then a bang. Zeppelins that were commandeered from Joseph P. Kennedy's secret subterra staging ground became the fleet for Frank's ruthless take over of Estonia. The fleet was maned (or rather women-ed) by the legions of discarded Kennedy women that were hungry for war. The siege would have continued to all of the Baltic states if the war plan had accounted for the Skeksis which had been hired as mercenaries by the European Union. A great battle raged over the capital of Latvia between these two forces. Riga, to this day, has not recovered from the pandemonium. Each side had adequate provisions for a drawn out war of attrition but neither the attention span to fight an eventless war. It became obvious to both commanders, Gen. Tidwell and Gen. Gary Oldman, that the war had come to a stalemate.
[edit] The Truce, or The Acquiring of Frankdom
A controvercial truce was declared between Gen. Tidwell and the European Union. Frank was allowed to claim sovereignty over the Baltic countries: Estonia, Latvia, and Lithuania so long as he agreed to explain why he chose to conquer those nations. Emperor Tidwell had finally gained the power that had escaped him in the race for the senate so many years ago. The Great One, as he was fond of being called, declared the region 'Frankdom', and began to grow a nation.
[edit] The Kingdom of Frank
The citizens challenged The Great One's sovereignty from the beginning. The complaints, surprisingly were not really centered around the fact that rule over the nations was taken by force. Their major complaints were:
- the political system was changed from liberal democracies and parliamentary republics to a totalitarian regime (..ok that one is sort of valid)
- ceremonial executions of former elected officials were often drawn out to last days and clogged the streets to the markets
- Emperor Tidwell declared the national religion would be Aten worship
- citizens were not allowed to talk. ever.
