Co-Sex Addicts Anonymous
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Co-Sex Addicts Anonymous (COSA) is a twelve-step recovery program based on the format of Alcoholics Anonymous. It is the counterpart to Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) in the same way Al-Anon/Alateen is to AA. COSA aims to help those who have been affected by another person's compulsive sexual behavior and who desire to live healthier, fuller lives, regardless of whether the addict is still acting out. COSA is an anonymous twelve-step fellowship not affiliated with outside organizations.
'PLEASE NOTE:' Not every COSA describes themselves as a "co-sex addict." Many COSA members are offended by that definition as they were unwilling participants or unaware of their partner's activities. COSA has a definition of the acronym that is inclusive for all COSA members. Each member may define themselves as a co-dependant of a sex addict, a co-sex addict, or simply someone who has been affected by a sex addict's behavior. As the COSA Official Website states: "Each COSA member may choose to define him/herself as a codependent of sexual addict, as a co-sex addict, or simply as a member of COSA, according to his or her own personal experience and conscience."
There are men and women in COSA. There are heterosexuals and homosexuals in COSA. There are wives, girlfriends, partners, sons, brothers, and friends in COSA. COSA is for anyone struggling the effects of another's compulsive sexual behavior. COSA has members who are in a relationship, not in a relationship, struggling to decide what to do with a relationship, and members who chose not to define themselves.
Often, one of the major struggles for a COSA is that of control. There is a feeling of being out of control. There is a sense of powerlessness over the partner's acting out sexually with us or with others (affairs, internet, chat-lines, self). There is the loss of self-esteem that comes with the partner's obsession with sex. There are efforts to control the addict by our own behavior (lose or gain weight, dress to please the addict, dress to hide from the addict, change my personality, change my priorities, change my values). There are efforts to gain control over the others in the sex addict’s life (calling the "other woman," checking up on websites, calling chat lines to find our partner). This a progressive disease for both the addict and the partner. Both behaviors can become more extreme and more obsessive.
COSA is like a lighthouse surrounded by the storm-tossed sea in which the partner of a sex addict drowns. COSA offers a beacon of hope. COSA is a safe place to share your pain. A lifepreserver in COSA is acceptance. You are accepted as a COSA member by your own definition. You are stronger when you are part of the whole and we are stronger by sharing our "experience, strength, and hope." COSA often is the one place a struggling person finds acceptance in all areas of their life, including sexuality. One of the most treasured COSA slogans is "Welcome to COSA, welcome home."
The following information is from COSA's Official Website:
The 12 Steps of COSA Working the steps is the foundation of recovery in COSA; they are a set of spiritual practices COSA members use for personal growth and recovery; based on the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.
1. We admitted we were powerless over compulsive sexual behavior -- that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all areas of our lives.
The 12 Traditions of COSA Based on the Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous, a set of guidelines which suggest how COSA groups conduct themselves. Studying the Twelve Traditions and applying them to interpersonal relationships, COSA groups, and COSA as a whole promotes our own growth.
1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon COSA unity.
2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority -- a loving God as expressed in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.
3. The only requirement for COSA membership is that our lives have been affected by compulsive sexual behavior. The members may call themselves a COSA group, provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation.
4. Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or COSA as a whole.
5. Each group has but one primary purpose -- to carry its message to those who still suffer. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps ourselves.
6. A COSA group ought never endorse, finance, or lend the COSA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose.
7. Every COSA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.
8. COSA should remain forever non-professional, but our service centers may employ special workers.
9. COSA, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.
10. COSA has no opinion on outside issues; hence the COSA name ought never be drawn into public controversy.
11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, films, television, and other public media of communication. We need guard with special care the anonymity of all Program members.
12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.
