Coach Cretin

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Contents 1 Coach Cretin 2 Demonstration of the Coach Cretin's Misfortune 3 Doubts and Explanations 4 Quotes 5 Trivia

[edit] Coach Cretin

Coach Cretin was a popular character on the hit sketch comedy series, All That. He was played by Kel Mitchell, who worked on the show for the first five seasons before gaining his own show Kenan and Kel and his own feature film Good Burger. Coach Cretin was an unpleasant athletic coach at Dullmont Junior High. The crabby coach was known to get himself into unfortunate predicaments in which he would suffer injuries. These injuries would often result in mutilation, which explains his cantankerous disposition. However, irrespective of the severity of the damage to his body, Coach Cretin generally recovered quickly and, at some point later in the skit, would probably suffer another vicious and untimely accident. In the 10th anniversery episode it is revealed that Coach Cretin is 75 years old.

[edit] Demonstration of the Coach Cretin's Misfortune

One example of Coach Cretin's unlucky ways can be found in the episode in which the staff of Dullmont Junior high throws him a surprise party. In this episode Coach Cretin is so surprised by the party that in an act motivated by pure terror, he jumps onto a couch, slips, plummets out of a window 70 feet or 3 stories out of the building into heavy traffic, and in seconds has returned to the original room in which he was surprised. Somehow in the seconds it took for him to travel from the outside of the building and climb the three stories, he had already acquired a cast and a bandage. At the end of the skit, Coach Cretin receives a cannon as his birthday present from the staff, which brings him great glee. Unfortunately his bliss is accompanied by curiosity, and he inserts his head into the cannon to get a better look inside. At this point the cannon fires maiming Coach Cretin by removing his head from his body. He then remarks, "My head is a memory".

[edit] Doubts and Explanations

Many critics have started to question the seeming invincibility of Coach Cretin. Scholars remain baffled as to how he can sustain such critical and often terminal injuries. Three dominant schools of thought have been popularized in contemporary discourse:

1. Coach Cretin is actually a Kryptonian, like Superman. He is thus able to sustain normally fatal injuries. Only Kryptonite would be able to harm him. This theory has mostly been discredited because the coach does appear to be in very real pain at times. In fact, one of his favorite quotes is indeed "you bring me pain in ways I can't understand", though this could be part of his alter ego
2. Coach Cretin is a figment of the imaginations of the people that interact with him. This theory rests heavily on the idea that Dullmont Junior High is actually an insane asylum.
3. Coach Cretin is a zombie from the Resident Evil series and since he is already dead he cannot be hurt.

[edit] Quotes

"My happiness is a memory"
"I hate you less than all the other people in this room"
"The life I live is sad"
"I got my cannon, I got my cannon, ooh it sho' is nice up in here"
"You bring me pain in ways I can't understand"
"My head is a memory"
"What kind of man/woman knocks a coach's face into some cake dessert?"
"Ahh, I'm so happy!! It's a less miserable day for Coach Cretin!"

[edit] Trivia

Coach Cretin inspired the creation of the Coach Hines character, an irritable Catholic school basketball coach who intimidates his students with threats of death and violence for their misbehavior whether real or imagined.
The hit single "You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'" by The Righteous Brothers was parodied by internet phenomenon Chris Bodily TM in a song called "I am a Coach named Kreeton" at Am I Right - Song Parodies.
Chris Bodily also parodies the smash hit "Short People" by Randy Newman in a song called "Coach Cretin" at Am I Right - Song Parodies.

On the night of January 5th 2005, Coach Cretin was arrested for public intoxication, aggressive behaviour, cruelty to animals, and possession of an illegal weapon in New York City's Copacabana after getting into a brawl with Earl Simmons (aka DMX) and his crew. Coach Cretin was enjoying a night of performance by the bachata band Aventura along with Joe Budden and the rest of his entourage. An eyewitness reported that Coach Cretin first got into a scuffle with one of DMX's American Pit Bull Terriers for unknown reasons. DMX subsequently "delivered it to him" as the eyewitness described it, and Coach Cretin's defenses were limited to painful shouts and spastic movements. DMX was charged with nothing, mostly because Coach Cretin and the cops were afraid to provoke his wrath any further. DMX made sure that Coach Cretin was charged with animal cruelty for his actions, even though the dog seemed unharmed, and Coach Cretin's parachute pants had been torn to shreds. There were several teeth found at the scene, patches of hair, and a pool of blood, yet Coach Cretin never asked for an ambulance, and seemed to be in stable condition. Coach Cretin had no comment, and his agent's only remarks at the trial were "The life my client leads is sad."