Talk:Lightbulb joke/Behavioral
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Subsequent comments should be made in a new section. Behavioral, Community, or Cultural variations
Many Lightbulb jokes have Behavioral, Community, or Cultural variations. Many more Behavioral, Community or Cultural lightbulb jokes can be found by a simple Google search. See main wikipedia lightbulb joke article.
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[edit] Miscellaneous
ADHD kids
- A1: Mmm.. Cookies!
- A2: Wanna go ride bikes?
- A: Ten. One to hold it still, and nine to drink till the room spins
- A: Two, one to do it and one to say 'My four-year-old could do that.'
- A: 20001. 1 to screw it in, 2000 to be there to see it, and 18000 to follow it around until it burns out."
- Q: How many lightbulbs does it change to take in a dyslexic?
- A: None — they just sit in the dark and cry about it.
- A: "Five, and you should've seen the light bulb! It must have been this big! Ten of us were barely enough!"
- A: "None, the light bulb is not dead, it just smells funny."
- A: One. All alone. All by himself. With no one else around.
- A-1: "Pigs (Three Different Ones)" and four more to sing the song.
- A-2: Only "One of the Few".
- A-3: Just "Another Brick In The Wall".
- A: None, they embrace the darkness.
- A: (with disdain) You don't know that one? I have that joke on vinyl.
- A: Two: one to decide what to change it into, and one to figure out what kind of bulb emits broken light.
Lokpukaita speakers
- A: Any number, so long as x1 gives the temporary state of being replaced to the lightbulb.
- A: A one, and a two, and a...
- A: One.
- A:
![\left \{ U_x + \frac{m}{4\pi} \left [ \frac{1} {\sqrt ((x-a)^2 + \bar w^2)} - \frac{1} {\sqrt ((x-a)^2 - \bar w^2)} \right ] \right \}^0](../../../math/d/7/6/d7636ea9ba6b466c01be522a79b7246e.png)
(But, of course, you knew that!)
PMS sufferers
- A: Three.
- Q: Why?
- A: BECAUSE IT JUST DOES -- OKAY?
- A-1: Eleven. One to screw it in and ten on the guest-list.
- A-2: Twenty. One to change it and nineteen to call him a sell-out for doing so.
- A-3: "Do you THINK I need any help, you fucking..[long list of expletives here]..!?"
- A-4: Two, one to screw in the lightbulb, and one to say how punk rock the other is for doing so.
- A: Four: one to drop it and three to pick it up, pick it up, pick it up.
Sorority girls See *Jokebook:Lightbulb:University
- A: Woah dude, so that's where the light comes from!
- A: "None. Straight-edgers don't screw."
- A: One.
- A-1: "Probably a million. None of them even care. They're too busy just socializing and asking around for more gum to care about such matters."
- A-2: One. Retard.
- A: Two. One to screw in the light bulb, one to check the ingredient list on the packaging.
- A: YOU DON'T KNOW! YOU WEREN'T THERE, MAN!!! YOU'LL NEVER KNOW!!!!!
- A: 4, one to change the bulb, a second to write a lengthy article about the historical ramifications of changing light bulbs, and a third to start an edit war with the second. Oh, and the person that invariably lists it on AfD. This light-bulb has blown. You can help Wikipedia by changing it.
- A: Two, one to mix the martinis and the other to call the electrician.
[edit] Horoscope Variations
A Brazilian humour magazine made an astrology-related lightbulb joke.
- A: One. But you'll need a lot of lightbulbs. (See also the "gorilla" version below.)
- A: None. Taurus doesn't like to change anything.
- A: Two. It will take a week, but the lightbulb will speak French, do the cleaning and change its color.
- A: One. But it'll need 3 years and a therapist to go through the process.
- A: Leos don't change lightbulbs, except if he holds it and the world starts spinning around him.
- A: One to hold, other to write the blown date, other to see where it was bought, other decides the guilty, other redecorates the house and the rest changes the lightbulb.
- A: I don't know! Depends on when it was blown, I think. One if it is a common lightbulb, two if you don't know where to find one...
- A: Who cares? Why you want to know? Are you a cop?
- A: The sun is shining, it's early, we have a whole life ahead and you want to change a stupid lightbulb?
- A: None; capricornios don't change lightbulbs, except if it gives profit.
- A: There will be many, trying to bring light to the world.
Pisces —
- A: Huh? The light is gone?
[edit] Human Sexuality
- A-1: However many turns you on ;)
- A-2: That depends... is it AC/DC?
- A-3: Three or more... it's more fun to fumble in the dark that way instead of being alone.
- A: None. We must fully respect and value the diversity of light bulbs everywhere, whether they be incandescent, fluorescent, AC/DC or even black-light bulbs, instead of engaging in any further marginalisation in a futile attempt to pressure them to change against their will.
- A: Two. One to buy an Art Deco bulb, and one to shriek, "FAAAAAAAAAbulous!"
- A: One, but she has a very muscular vagina.
Kinky sex practicioners
- A: Only one, but it takes the entire ER to get it out.
- A: Two. One to hold it and one to kick the chair out from under him.
Viagra users
- A: One little tablet, and it's a whole new bulb.
[edit] Variations from fictional universes
- A: Two; one to hold the bulb and the other to ask a Mentorian what color it is.
(If you don't get it, go read Marion Zimmer Bradley's The Colors of Space)
Dr. Who fans
- A: None. They all just sit around, waiting for it to come back on.
daleks (Dr. Who)
- A: Two and a half million, to conquer a race that can climb ladders
- Dirty Stink'n Apes
- A: Three, One dirty stink'n ape to screw it in, and two dirty stink'n apes to throw feces at each other.
- A-1: One, but it will take him five episodes and four transformations to do it.
- A-2: One, but not Goku, he will break it if he touches it.
- A-1: One, but it has to be Sailor Moon because everyone else will just wait for Sailor Moon to show up.
- A-2: None. The lightbulb will use its special powers to incapacitate them all, and then Tuxedo Mask will show up to do it for them.
[edit] Star Wars
- A: Two: one to replace it and one to shoot him and take the credit.
- A: Whatsah youssah askin Meesa For???
- A: "Three; one to hold the bulb while the other two go and hunt down a droid to do the job!"
[edit] Trekker variations
These variants use the fictional alien races of Star Trek. At times, "lightbulb" is replaced by "transtator tube" for flavor.
Vulcans — Q: How many Vulcans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
- A-1: Two, but it has to be a very large lightbulb and they can only do it once every seven years.
- A-2: Just one, and he fails to see any humor in the situation.
- A-3: Approximately 1.00000000000000000....
- A-4: Two, but they have to fight each other to see who gets to screw the bulb.
Klingons — Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?
- A-1: Two: one to change the lightbulb and one to kill the other and take all the credit.
- A-2: None. There is no honor in changing a lightbulb, besides, a true warrior isn't afraid of the dark.
- A-3: None. They use candles.
- A-4: Qu'vatlh!! Klingons are NOT afraid of the dark!!
Borg — Q: How many Borg does it take to change a lightbulb?
- A-1: Changing lightbulbs is futile. Resistance is voltage divided by current.
- A-2: None. They just self-destruct the malfunctioning equipment.
- A-3: All of them.
- A-1: Two: One to change the lightbulb, and one to request a vision from the prophets in order to thank them.
- A-2: None. The Prophets shall light the way
- A: Five. "There are five lights!" (from the TNG episode "Chain of Command")
- A: One
- Q: How many Betazoids does it take to change a lightbulb?
- A-1: Two: One to screw the new one in, and one to sell the broken one to an unsuspecting customer.
- A-2: None. Ferengi don't give change.
- A-1: Four hundred: One to change the bulb, and three hundred ninety-nine to blow up the ship out of shame.
- A-2: (TOS): Just one, but he has to steal the technology from the Klingons.
- A: Seven: Scotty reports to Captain Kirk that the lightbulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out. Kirk sends Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new lightbulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk makes an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a lightbulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red-shirt security officers beam down. The 3 red-shirt security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. While Kirk has a steamy romance with the princess, Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the king sets the landing party free and gives them all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk, et al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.
[edit] Babylon 5
These variants use the fictional alien races of Babylon 5. The first two were actually used in the show.
Centauri — Q: How many Centauri does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- A: Just one... but, in the great old days of the Republic, hundreds of servants would change a thousand lightbulbs at our slightest whim.
Minbari — Q: How many Minbari does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
- A: None. They always surrender right before they finish the job and they never tell you why.
Vorlon — Q: How many Vorlons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
- A1: Yes.
- A2: You are not ready for illumination.
[edit] Known Space
These variants use the fictional alien races of Larry Niven's Known Space universe.
- A: Two: One to hold the paint sprayer, and one to move the skyscraper.
- Jinx is the largest human-inhabited planet. Jinxians are therefore physically strong due to living under high gravity, and tend to move slowly. This has led to the stereotype elsewhere of Jinxians as being mentally as well as physically ponderous.
[edit] DC Comics versions
Amazon — Q: How many Amazons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
- A: Twelve. One to hold the bulb, Eleven to make her feel really good about herself.
This was based on a line by John Byrne.
The Joker — Q: How may Jokers does it take to change a light bulb?
- A: Four. One to break the bulb and the other three to go around killing everything else so it doesn't matter if there's light.
Also based on a line by John Byrne.
Bizarro — Q: How many Bizarros does it take to change a lightbulb?
- A: Bizarro am no change lightbulb.
Q: OK. How many Bizarros does it take to NOT change a lightbulb?
- A: It am three. One am no hold bulb. Two am no turn world.
