Talk:Lightbulb joke/Long

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Subsequent comments should be made in a new section. Long lightbulb jokes

Many more lightbulb jokes can be found by a simple Google search. See main wikipedia lightbulb joke article.

[edit] Bush Administration

Q. How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Ten:

• One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;
• One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;
• One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;
• One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for eternal darkness;
• One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;
• One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner 'Bulb Accomplished';
• One administration insider to resign and in detail reveal how Bush was literally 'in the dark' the whole time;
• One to viciously smear the former insider;
• One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;
• And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

[edit] Lawyers

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "The lightbulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (lightbulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (lightbulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1. The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (lightbulb) and rotate the party of the second part (lightbulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non- negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (lightbulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (lightbulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (lightbulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (lightbulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.
2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (lightbulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (lightbulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New lightbulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self- same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non- negotiable. NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm".

[edit] Usenet subscribers

Q: How many Usenet subscribers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1,331.

• 1 to change the lightbulb
• 14 to share similar experiences of changing lightbulbs and how the lightbulb could have been changed differently.
• 7 to caution about the dangers of changing lightbulbs.
• 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing lightbulbs.
• 53 to flame the spell checkers
• 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the lightbulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
• 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
• 109 to post that this list is not about lightbulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb
• 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing lightbulbs be stopped.
• 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use lightbulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this mail list.
• 306 to debate which method of changing lightbulbs is superior, where to buy the best lightbulbs, what brand of lightbulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
• 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different lightbulbs
• 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
• 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes lightbulbs relevant to this list.
• 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."
• 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the lightbulb controversy.
• 19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
• 4 to suggest that posters request the lightbulb FAQ.
• 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
• 47 to say this is just what alt.physics.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.
• 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

[edit] Debian developers

Q: How many w:Debian Maintainers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: 993: (ported to Debian by Florian Weps [1])

• 23 to complain to -devel about the lights being out;
• 4 to claim that it is a configuration problem, and that such matters really belong on -user;
• 3 to submit bugs about it, one of which has priority "grave" and consists only of "it's dark";
• 1 to do an untested NMU which breaks unstable, then ask around on #debian how to remove it five minutes later;
• 8 to flame the bugs report submitters for not including patches in their bugs reports;
• 5 to complain about unstable being broken;
• 31 to answer that it works for them, and they must have apt-get upgraded at a bad time;
• 1 to post a patch for a new lightbulb to -project;
• 1 to complain that he had patches for this three years ago, but when he sent them to -devel they were just ignored, and he has had bad experiences with the BTS; besides, the proposed new lightbulb is non-reflexive;
• 73 to scream that lightbulbs do not belong in the base system, that maintainers have no right to do things like this without prior discussion, and WHAT IS THE RM DOING ABOUT IT!?
• 200 to complain about the length of the release cycle;
• 3 to point out that the patch violates policy;
• 17 to complain that the proposed new lightbulb is not under GPL;
• 353 to engage in a w:flame war about the comparative advantages of the GPL, the BSD license, the MIT license, the NPL, and the personal hygiene of unnamed FSF founders;
• 7 to move various portions of the thread to -legal and -hurd;
• 1 to upload the suggested lightbulb, even though it shines dimmer than the old one;
• 2 to file a furious flame of a bugs report, arguing that testing is better off in the dark than with a dim lightbulb;
• 46 to argue vociferously about the bugs report about the dim lightbulb and demanding a statement from ftpmaster;
• 11 to request a smaller lightbulb so it will fit their Tamagotchi if we ever decide to port Debian to that platform;
• 73 to complain about the SNR on -devel and -qa and unsubscribe in protest;
• 13 to post "unsubscribe", "How do I unsubscribe?", or "Please remove me from the list", followed by the usual footer;
• 1 to upload a working lightbulb while everybody is too busy w:flaming everybody else to notice;
• 31 to point out that the new lightbulb would shine 0.364% brighter if compiled with processor-specific optimizations (although it will have to be reshaped into a cube), and that w:Debian should therefore adapt the gentoo "portage" system into w:dpkg;
• 1 to complain that the new lightbulb lacks w:fairings;
• 9 (including the bugs submitters) to ask "what is testing-proposed-updates";
• 75 to complain about the lights being out two weeks after the bulb has been changed.

and for a total count of 996:

• 1 to report whole story in -curiosa
• 2 to comment on it

A2: As many as it takes to type: apt-get install --reinstall light-bulb

[edit] Digital Equipment Corporation Employees

Q: How many DEC employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 94

• 2 People — Preliminary discussion on concept of change.
• 1 Person — Devise and write formal bulb architecture.
• 2 People — Feasibility study and timetable of events.
• 2 People — Produce four utilities to reduce screw-in time (in addition to the electric utility).
• 1 Person — Maintain ISO and DEC standards (sockets, voltage, AC/DC).
• 4 People — Commonality task force on bulb change.
• 15 People — Bulb development team.
• 5 People — Perform bulb functional test.
• 2 People — Perform bulb load test.
• 3 People — Perform bulb regression test.
• 1 Person — Perform bulb performance analysis.
• 1 Person — Perform bulb bottleneck analysis.
• 1 Person — Follow-up study (bulb merge feasibility).
• 1 Person — Interface with utilities commission.
• 1 Person — Interface with users. Did they want incandescent when we only supply non-tunable fluorescent point product? BAX (Bulbs Are eXpensive)!
• 5 People — Perform BOSE (Build Other Socket Enhancements) compatibility architecture/study.
• 3 People — Perform VIA (Voltage Increases Amps) phase 2 compatibility architecture/study.
• 2 People — Ensure form (round, square, clear/frosted) follows function (wattage, 120/240 volts, visible/ultra-violet, flashing, flood/spot).
• 3 People — Implement temporary alternative bulb socket for already existing, successful, and profitable socket (bulb-in-one).
• 5 People — Determine how to market/package/distribute temporary alternative bulb socket.
• 10 People — Determine how to perform bulb change product split (Control: switches, dimmers; versus implementation: screw-in torque, recovery strategies).
• 1 Person — Interface with utilities commission QA group.
• 1 Person — Submit to BDC (Bulb Distribution Center).
• 1 Person — Set up BPR (Bulb Problem Reports) system.
• 10 People — Answer customer BPRs.
• 11 People — Football team to challenge bulb changers.