Talk:Lightbulb joke/University
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Subsequent comments should be made in a new section. Universities, Colleges & Institutions of Higher Learning
Many Lightbulb jokes are university-themed. Many more university lightbulb jokes can be found by a simple Google search. See main wikipedia lightbulb joke article.
The ones listed below are of the form:
Q: How many "college" students does it take to screw a lightbulb?
A: Answer appropriate to a stereotypical characteristic of students at that school.
[edit] Generic
- College students
- I don't know, will this be on the test?
- Basketball players
- One. But he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it.
- Football players
- The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
- Fraternity brothers
- A1: None; fratboys don't screw in lightbulbs; they screw in pools of vomit.
- A2: Six; one to screw it in, 5 to make shirts.
- Graduate students
- Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
- Medical and Pre-med students
- A1: Three. One to change it, two to kick the ladder out from under 'em.
- A2: Six. One to change it and five to appeal the grade.
- A3: Nine: Two to conclude it can't be done, and seven to complain that it wasn't covered in the review, so you can't expect them to know how.
- Sorority girls
- A1 :Two. One to call daddy, and one to make a t-shirt about the event.
- A2 : One. First though she has to remember where she's waking up.
[edit] By Country
[edit] Australia
- Newcastle
- Students on HECS, one who does the hard work by themselves; Full fee paying students, why bother they'll get full marks anyway.
- La Trobe
- Monash
- Two - one to change the bulb, and one to complain that if they were at Melbourne, the lightbulb wouldn't have gone out in the first place.
- Murdoch
- Seven - one to change the bulb, and six to figure out how to power it with manure.
- ANU
- Five - they make it a campus wide affair.
- Victoria University
- None - briquette lamps don't burn out, man!
- Bond
- One, but he would insist that the way he did it was distinct from the way that the other universities did it.
- Melbourne Uni
- One, but she would insist that it was far better than all the others because it cost $20000.
- Deakin
- Three, but it is a year long group project.
[edit] Canada
- Carleton
- A-1: Two. One to change the bulb and one to complain about how, if they were at a better school, the lightbulb wouldn’t go out.
- A-2: Two, one to change the bulb and one to brag about how they did it faster than the Ottawa U students did it.
- Guelph
- Seven. One to screw it in and 6 to figure out how to power it on manure.
- Mt. Allison
- FIVE. One to do it and 4 to be in the Macleans photo of it.
- UVic
- None. Lava lamps don’t burn out man!
- UBC
- Four. One to do it and three to translate the instructions.
- Three. One to hold the ladder, one to hold the lightbulb, and the third to intepret the Japanese text.
- Laurier
- All of them. They make it a campus affair.
- University of Manitoba
- Ummmmm,... huh? There’s a university in Manitoba?
- YorkU
- A-1: THREE. One to take directions from the science student, the science student and one to philosophise about life as a lightbulb.
- A-2: Only the one with the instruction manual.
- U of O
- One. They'd screw everything else, why not a light bulb?
- RCM|
- None - when night falls they either fire flares to see or put on their nightscopes.
- Simon Fraser
- None - they are all too busy trying to design the perfect lightbulb or surfing the net to notice.
- Ryerson
- Trick question; Ryerson isn't a real university.
- McGill
- One, but she can't do it on Thursday, Friday or Saturday night.
- University of Alberta
- Two, one to change it and the other to boast how it was so " Indisputably Recognized" around the world.
- University of Saskatchewan
- One, there's nobody else around to do it.
- Laval
- One, but she would insist that the way she did it was distinct.
[edit] Finland
- Tampere University of Technology
- A roomful — One to hold on to the bulb and the rest to drink to make the room spin.
[edit] India
- IIT Kanpur
- None — People don't screw at IIT.
[edit] United Kingdom
[edit] Wales
- Aberystwyth
- None — Most of them are still sleeping in the basketball court following housing shortages.
- or
- It'll never happen. One will table a motion to change the light bulb at the Union Council, but two more will rally the "Pantycelyn Block Vote" to oppose the plan on the grounds that the joke hasn't been published bilingually.
- Aston
- None — And stay down, they shoot at the lights, that's why the last one went.
- Bangor
- None, unless you tell the joke in Welsh, in which case the answer is "pedwar".
- Glamorgan
- Ten — One to buy the light bulb and nine to petition for the eventual electrification of Pontypridd.
[edit] England
- Bath
- Seven — Five to form a radical new initiative called TeamBulb Focus, one to make a public announcement stating, "A successful environment is not about pushing yourself to the absolute limit," and one to change the light bulb before it is actually blown.
- Birkbeck, University of London
- None - they use the nightlamp.
- Birmingham
- Nine — One to steal a new bulb from the back of a shop, two for the wheelmen and six to go shoot out all the light bulbs in some Aston student houses.
- Cambridge
- Three — One to mix the martinis, one to call the electrician and one to call daddy to pay for the bill.
- or
- None — "Change?"
- Coventry
- Two — One to take the bulb out and another to glass a random stranger's face with it.
- De Montfort
- Seven — Two to change the bulb and five to write an interpretive modern drama about the experience.
- Imperial
- Eight — It's not that one isn't smart enough to do it, it's just that they're all violently twitching from too much stress to achieve coordinated movement.
- Leeds
- Three — One to change it and two to find a way to get high off the old bulb.
- Leicester
- Four — One to change the bulb and three to complain bitterly that it wouldn't have been allowed to happen at Oxbridge, so please give us some funding. Please.
- Liverpool
- Only one, but he gets 10 course credits for doing it.
- LSE
- 84 as follows:
-
- 2 people — Preliminary discussion of concept change.
- 1 person — Devise and write formal bulb architecture.
- 2 people — Feasibility study and timetable of events.
- 2 people — Research existing business methods used throughout the illuminations industry.
- 1 person — Maintain ISO standards throughout the analysis.
- 4 people — Commonality task force on bulb change.
- 15 people — Change bulb.
- 5 people — Perform bulb functional test.
- 2 people — Perform bulb load test.
- 3 people — Perform bulb financial value regression test.
- 1 person — Perform bulb performance analysis
- 1 person — Perform bulb bottleneck analysis.
- 1 person — Follow-up study (bulb merge feasibility).
- 1 person — Report to Utilities Commission.
- 1 person — Research from accepted user database. (Did they want incandescent when we only supply non-tunable fluorescent point product?)
- 5 people — Perform full compatibility/architecture study.
- 3 people — Ensure form (round/square, clear/frosted) follows function (wattage, 120/140 volts, visible/ultraviolet, flashing, flood/spot).
- 3 people — Implement temporary alternative bulb socket for already (!?) existing, successful, and profitable socket (bulb-in-one)
- 5 people — Determine how to market/package/distribute temporary alternative bulb socket.
- 10 people — Determine how to perform bulb change product split.
- 1 person — Interface with Utilities Commission quality assurance group.
- 1 person — Interview local distribution centres to obtain statistics on light bulb usage around London.
- 1 person — Set up BPR (Bulb Problem Reports) system.
- 1 person — Review problems with BPR system.
- 11 people — Write a full report justifying the expenses outlined above, and explaining how the six month lead time on research delivery was marginally less than expected.
- 1 person — Receive all credit for entire activity and also huge grant from local businesses. This person has to be a lecturer or post-grad.
- Newcastle
- Eight — One to find a red Fireglow bulb, one to mount it near the window and the other six to wait inside.
- Oxford
- An entire college house, but only one of them is sober enough to figure out what to do with it, and he subsequently is cellophane-wrapped naked to a street lamp.
- or
- Change? Change?? CHANGE???????? OK, let's do it in 300 years.
- or
- Two. Discuss.
- Oxford Brookes
- Five — One to take the bulb out and four to stick their fingers in the socket.
- Paisley
- Between three and ten, depending on how far through the term it is, to club together their remaining funds to purchase a new light bulb.
- Plymouth
- Six — One to change it and five to campaign to make light bulb changing a new degree subject.
- Reading
- Three — One to pull the bulb out and two to complain when the socket and ceiling come down with it through dry rot.
- Salford
- 16 — One to change the lightbulb and 15 others to keep scallies from beating the shit out of the first one.
- Swansea
- at least 20. That way there is the possibility of one turning up to change the bulb.
- UCL
- Two — One to change the bulb and the other to say loudly how he did it as well as an Oxbridge student.
- UMIST
- Five — One to design a nuclear powered light bulb that never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Greater Manchester using said light bulb, two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the wall switch.
- University of North London
- Nobody knows — The light bulbs stay with North London Uni longer than the students.
- Warwick
- 76 — One to change the light bulb, fifty to protest the light bulb's right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a counter protest allowing for permissible change in light bulbs, as long as the light bulbs accept it.
- York
- Three — One to change the bulb and one to check his maths coursework.
[edit] Scotland
- St Andrews
- Three — One to call the butler and two to arrange a tailor in Rome to design and make new suits for the special occasion. If a light bulb in a major building blows then increase to 27 to allow for a brass band playing the last post and five Sun reporters. The next day's Sun will carry a headline along the lines of "Will's Pals in Blown Bulb Horror".
- Glasgow
- None of your fucking business!
[edit] United States by State
[edit] Alabama
- Alabama
- Three. One to change it, one to talk about how Bear would have done it, and one to throw the old bulb at an Auburn student.
- Auburn University
- One hundred. one to change it, 49 to talk about how they do it better than Bama, and 50 who realize it's all a lie.
[edit] Alaska
- A1: None. They use stone lamps that burn seal oil with moss wicks for light and heat.
- A2: One. But first Don Evans has to get a bridge built to the lamp.
[edit] Arkansas
- A :Two. One to change the bulb and one to read the directions.
[edit] Arizona
- A :One, but you have to get them to come back from the party down by the Colorado River.
[edit] California
[edit] California State Schools
- SDSU
- A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, four to hold the chair, and fifteen to drink tequila until the room spins around.
[edit] Private Colleges & Universities
- Cal Tech
- Five. One student to change the bulb and four students to dip the old bulb into liquid nitrogen, then drop it off the library roof.
- Loyola Marymount University
- One. As long as they pray hard enough.
- Occidental College
- None. The 90210 tech crew are very touchy about their set.
- Pepperdine
- Later, dude. Surf's up.
- Santa Clara University
- One, but you would never know about it because only Cal and Stanford gets press for changing their light bulbs
- Stanford
- One, dude.
- USC
- Two. One to complain about having to do it and the other to pay the maid to do it.
[edit] University of California
- University of California, Berkeley
- Seventy-six. One to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the lightbulb's right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a counter- protest.
- University of California, Davis
- None. Davis doesn't have electricity.
- University of California, Irvine
- One. Someone to hire the undocumented worker mowing the lawn to do it for them.
- UCLA
- A1 -Two. One to screw it in and one to take notes.
- A2 - One. They hold the bulb and the world revolves around them!
- University of California, Merced
- None. Classes are held by the vernal pools.
- University of California, Riverside
- None. Riverside looks better in the dark.
- University of California, San Diego
- A1 - Two. one to mix the margaritas and one to call the electrician.
- A2 - Eight. One to change it and seven to haul the surfboards, rollerblades and bicycles out of the way to get to it.
- University of California, San Francisco
- Two. one to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.
- University of California, Santa Cruz
- Six. One to remove the old light bulb, one to fashion it into a bong, one to hold the new bulb into the socket, and three to pass the newly created bulb-bong around until the room spins.
- University of California, Santa Barbara
- A1 - Only one, but they get six credits for it.
- A2 - Two, one to change the bulb and the other to check it for STDs .
- Hastings College of the Law
- One. Someone to file the product liability suit.
[edit] Colorado
Twenty-one. one to hold the bulb steady while twenty football players turn the house.
[edit] Connecticut
- Connecticut College
- Two. one to change the bulb and one to complain about how if they were at a better school the light bulb wouldn't go out.
- Wesleyan University
- Wesleyan's boycotting GE... you know, military-industrial complex and all that.
- Yale
- See Ivy League
[edit] Delaware
- University of Delaware
- One, and it's tax-free!
[edit] District of Columbia
Five. One to change the lightbulb, and four to complain that, for the money they're paying, someone damn well ought to change the lightbulb for them.
Four. One to change it, one to call Congress about their progress, and two to throw the old bulb at American Uuniversity. students.
- Trinity University
- Who cares.
[edit] Florida
- University of Florida
- One, but they're still counting ...
[edit] Georgia
- Emory University
- Two. one to change the bulb -- but while listening on his hands-free cell phone, his mother gives him proper encouragement by telling him what a perfect job he is doing in order to reinforce his self-esteem.
- Morehouse College
- See HBCU
- University of Georgia
- Two. One to change the bulb, and one to phone a friend at Georgia Tech and get instructions.
[edit] Hawaii
- University of Hawaii
- One, but first they have to find 'da kine.'
[edit] Idaho
- University of Idaho
- Two. One to change the bulb and one to insist there is more than just than just potatoes in Idaho.
- Boise State
- Two. One to ask someone from the University of Idaho how to change the bulb and one to change the bulb.
- Idaho State University
- One, but first they have to drive 200 miles to buy the bulb.
[edit] Illinois
- University of Chicago
- A1 - None. they'll just all read in the dark until exams are over.
- A2 - Two. One to change the light bulb, and one to win a Nobel Prize for it.
[edit] Indiana
- Notre Dame
- 25,000. One to change the bulb and the others to cheer him on from the stands.
- Purdue
- Two. One to change the bulb and the other to boast he's proud of being a Hoosier and that it has nothing to do with chickens.
[edit] Iowa
- University of Iowa
- None. They don't care about bulbs, but can do great things with corn!
[edit] Kansas
- University of Kansas
- One. One to pay the Mizzou grad delivering pizza to do it for them.
- Kansas State University
- Two. One to change the bulb, and one to ask the KU grad how to do it.
[edit] Kentucky
- University of Kentucky
- Eight. One to screw it in, and seven to discuss how
much brighter it shines during basketball season.
[edit] Louisiana
- Tulane
- A1 -They did manage to find ONE sober guy on campus.
- A2 - None. All the bulbs were carried away by the looters.
[edit] Maine
- Bates College
- None. They don’t' know what's burned out? Themselves or the light bulb?
- Bowdoin College
- Three. One to ski down to the general store and buy the bulb, one to take the chairlift back to school, and one to screw it in
- Colby College
- None. they prefer to be left in the dark about everything -- except when the Northern Lights appear.
- University of Maine
- None. They're too dim to burn out their lightbulbs.
[edit] Maryland
- John Hopkins
- None. The less competition the better.
[edit] Massachussetts
- Amherst College
- Thirteen. One to change the bulb and an “a capella” group to immortalize the event in song.
- Boston College
- Seven. one to change the light bulb and six to throw a party because he didn't screw it in upside down this time.
- Boston University
- A1 - Four. One to change the bulb and two to check his math homework twice.
- A2 - Doesn't matter; the important thing is that it's John Silber's fault.
- Harvard
- See Ivy League
- Holy Cross
- Ten. One to change it, one back up if the first guy's too drunk and the other eight to pray that it works
- MIT
- Five. One to design a nuclear-powered one that never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Boston using that nuked light bulb, two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the wall switch.
- Mount Holyoke College
- See Seven Sisters
- Radcliffe College
- See Seven Sisters
- Smith College
- See Seven Sisters
- Tufts
- A1 - Two. One to change the light bulb and the other to say loudly how he did it as well as an Ivy League student.
- A2 - Three. one to change the light bulb and 2 to discuss how they really could have gotten into Harvard if they had really wanted to.
- Wellesley College
- See Seven Sisters
- Williams College
- A1 - None. Muahahahaha! Lanterns triumph again!
- A2 - The whole student body. When you're snowed in, there's nothing else to do.
[edit] Michigan
- Michigan
- Ten. one to change the bulb and nine to act as the Supreme Court to affirm the action.
[edit] Minnesota
- Carleton College
- Ten. Oh wait, that's how many students it takes to play a game of Rottblatt.
[edit] Mississippi
- Mississippi State
- Fifteen. One to screw in the bulb, one to buy the Skoal, and thirteen to shout, "GO TO HELL OLE MISS, GO TO HELL!!!"
[edit] Missouri
- Mizzou
- That depends; how much is the athletic scholarship worth?
[edit] Montana
No jokes posted yet.
[edit] Nebraska
- Huskers
- Nobody knows because they are all standing around talking about how bright their football team used to be.
[edit] Nevada
- UNLV
- One. The one with the instruction manual.
[edit] New Hampshire
- Dartmouth
- See Ivy League
- UNH
- Four. One to change the lightbulb and three to pound as many Natty Lights as they can before the lightbulb is screwed in.
[edit] New Jersey
- Princeton
- See Ivy League
[edit] New Mexico
No jokes posted yet.
[edit] New York
- Alfred
- One hundred and one. One to get the lighbulb, and one hundred to run an extension cord from Niagara Falls.
- Barnard College
- See Seven Sisters
- Binghamton University
- Three. One to get drunk and break the light bulb, one to change it, and one to complain about how there's nothing to do in Binghamton but get drunk and change lightbulbs.
- Colgate
- Two. one to change the bulb, one to hope it's not another toothpaste joke.
- Columbia
- See Ivy League
- Cornell
- See Ivy League
- Hamilton College
- The whole student body. when you're snowed in, there's nothing else to do.
- NYU
- Three. one to screw in the bulb and two to knock down the ladder.
- Sarah Lawrence
- Five. one to change the bulb and four to do an interpretive dance about it.
- Vassar College
- See Seven Sisters
[edit] North Carolina
- Duke
- Two. one to change the bulb and the other to yell GO BLUE DEVILS!
- Davidson College
- None. Lightbulb changing is free at Davidson.
- UNC
- Two. one to screw it in and one to take the old bulb and save it for throwing during the next UNC-Duke game.
[edit] North Dakota
No jokes posted yet.
[edit] Ohio
- Kenyon
- I don't know, I couldn't find the campus.
- Miami University
- What's a light bulb?
- Oberlin
- Three: one to change the lightbulb, and two to figure out how to get high off the old one.
- Ohio State
- None. that's a grad course
[edit] Oklahoma
- Oklahoma
- One. but when he's finished he thinks he's earned his degree in electrical engineering.
[edit] Oregon
A1 - The Entire Reed Community (tm). One to change the bulb and 1200 more to throw a $30,000 party for no reason. A2 - One, she doesn't even need a ladder because she has platform Birkenstocks.
[edit] Pensylvania
- Allegheny College
- Six. one to change the lightbulb and five to explain where the hell Allegheny College is.
- Bryn Mawr College
- See Seven Sisters
- Bucknell University
- One. But he'll only change it if he can put in a white-light bulb.
- Carnegie Mellon University
- Two. One to assure you they know how to do it, and one to screw the bulb into your faucet.
- Lehigh University
- A whole frat, but only one of them is sober enough to get the bulb out of the socket.
- Penn
- See Ivy League
- Swarthmore
- A1 - None. A Swattie can't change a light bulb, silly. Put one in a dark room and they'll just fall asleep!
- A2 - Eight. It’s not that one isn't smart enough to do it, it's just that they're all violently twitching from too much stress.
[edit] Puerto Rico
- Universidad de Puerto Rico
- None. ¡Lo hago mañana!
[edit] Rhode Island
- Brown
- See Ivy League
[edit] South Carolina
- South Carolina
- 80,000. One to screw it in, and 79,999 to discuss how this will finally be the year they have a good football team.
[edit] South Dakota
No jokes posted yet.
[edit] Tennessee
- Vanderbilt University
- Two. One to call the electrician and one to call daddy to pay the bill
- Tennessee
- Ten. Two to figure out how to screw it in, two to buy an orange lampshade, and six to phone a radio call-in show and talk about how Phillip Fulmer is too stupid to do it.
[edit] Texas
- Rice University
- A1 - Two. one to change the bulb and the other to insist that Rice is really a southern Ivy.
- A2 – Fifty. One to screw it in and forty-nine to relieve the stress of screwing it in by running naked through campus.
- Aggies
- A-1: Three. One to screw it in, one to call it a tradition and the other to lead the yell, "Screw The Hell Outta the Lightbulb!"
- A-2: No one's sure. The ladder keeps falling down.
- Texas Tech
- All of them: One to screw it in and the rest of the student body to try desperately to establish a rivalry with the other Big XII schools in lightbulb screwing.
- University of Houston
- None. They don't want the gangs to know they're in there.
- University of Texas
- Four. One to screw it in, one boasts about how great the light bulbs were back when Darrel Royal was there and the other two leave about halfway through.
[edit] Utah
- BYU
- None. They don't need a light bulb, they put off enough light from their perpetual smile.
- University of Utah
- None. They are still searching for a U. of U. graduate with the qualifications to do such a task.
[edit] Vermont
- Middlebury College
- Five. One to change the lightbulb and four to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.
[edit] Virginia
- UVA
- Thirteen. Ten to form student committee to vote on whether changing light bulbs is a violation of the Honor Code, one to change the bulb, one to hold the keg the he's standing on, and another to attribute electricity to Mr. Jefferson.
[edit] Washington
- University of Washington
- None. They won't get their hands dirty - and besides, you could break a nail.
[edit] West Virginia
- West Virginia University
- Two: one to screw in a new bulb, and one to throw the old one in with his burning couch!
- West Liberty State College
- None. West Virginians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in their trailers.
[edit] Wisconsin
Two. one to change the bulb and the other to get the Cheesehead hats.
[edit] Wyoming
None. Sheep don't need lightbulbs.
[edit] United States by Affiliation
[edit] Historically Black Colleges and Universities
- Morehouse College
- One, but first he has to be recognized as a potential leader in the Black community.
[edit] Ivy League
- Brown
- Eleven. one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience.
- Columbia
- One hundred and eleven: One to change it, a hundred to form a protest that the lightbulb has a right not to change, and ten to form a counter-protest.
- Cornell
- Two. One to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.
- Dartmouth
- None. Hanover doesn't have electricity.
- Harvard
- One. They hold it and the world revolves around them.
- Penn
- Only one, but they get six credits for it.
- Princeton
- Two. One to mix the martinis, and one to call the electrician.
- Yale
- None. New Haven looks better in the dark.
[edit] Seven Sisters
- Barnard College
- One, but she'll only do it if it's an alternative light bulb.
- Bryn Mawr College
- A1 - One to call the electrician but it had better be a woman doing a man's job.
- A2 - 14 Mawrters. One to notice the lightbulb needs to be changed; one to report it to her HA; one to call Housekeeping; one to call Facilities Services; a fifth to put it on the agenda; one to write a napkin note about it; another to put it on her done-is-good board; another HA to give her candy when the bulb has been changed; one to start a newsgroup about it; two customspeople to throw a how-to-change-the-lightbulb tea; one to petition for a more environmentally sound lightbulb; one to collect lightbulb evaluation forms; and one Mawrter to describe the lightbulbs phallic representations and why the socket should in fact remain empty, performing lightbulb in the absence of a real lightbulb, which does not in fact suffer from lightbulb-envy.
- A3 - None; everyones busy trying to find her own bright ideas and nobody notices that the lightbulb needs to be changed.
- A4 - One to overcompensate for the lack of lightbulb by installing a searchlight instead
- A5 - One to replace the lightbulb with a strobe and throw a party, as long as its not during respect hours.
- A6 - 412 to try. One to confront the lightbulb; two to mediate the conflict; four to write the resolution promoting the change of light bulb; and 405 to attend plenary to make quorum, where it is debated for several hours, until too many frosh leave to write their English 105 papers, quorum is lost, and the resolution is tabled indefinitely.
- Mount Holyoke College
- One. She calls a Smithie to do it.
- Radcliffe College
Q: How many 'Cliffie' girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It's "Radcliffe Women" and that's not funny!
- Smith College
- One. All you need is one hot woman and you'll never have a heterosexual lightbulb again.
- Vassar College
- Eleven. One to screw it and ten to support its sexual orientation.
- Wellesley College
- The whole student body; girls can't do anything right.
