These Are Jokes

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These Are Jokes

Studio album by Demetri Martin
Released	September 26, 2006
Genre	Comedy
Length	70:52
Label	Comedy Central Records
All Music Guide link

These Are Jokes is the first CD/DVD set from American comedian Demetri Martin. Some of the jokes have previously appeared on his Comedy Central Presents special as well as his portion of the compilation Invite Them Up.

The attached DVD contains Demetri's Comedy Central Presents special, a few of Martin's jokes set to his animation, some short documentaries, some songs, and two very early performances.

The disc also features some of Demetri's friends, including SNL cast member Will Forte and Leo Allen.

1 Track listing
2 Quotes
3 Trivia

[edit] Track listing

The Start – 3:01
Some Jokes – 7:09
The Remix – 5:40
Other Jokes – 1:27
Sames and Opposites – 8:04
These Jokes – 5:50
Personal Information Waltz – 7:12
One Story – 6:55
Some More Jokes – 3:30
The Jokes with Guitar – 13:58
The Grapes Song – 2:42
The Wisdom Song – 3:09
The Name Was Johnny – 2:15

[edit] Quotes

[edit] The Start

The show officially starts ... right ... now. Datingisdifficultblackpeopleandwhitepeoplearedifferentalsoairplanefoodisunacceptable.

Yes! That's three jokes in five seconds. This is awesome.

That's a very high LPM: a lot of laughs per minute on this CD.

[edit] Some Jokes

I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately.

I was on the train, and I heard this guy say to his friend, "Man. I'm really good at checkers." Which is the same as saying, "Man. I'm not good at a lot of things. I suck at everything except checkers... King me dawg."

From checkers I learned that a king is when there's a guy who looks exactly like another guy right on top of him. But life taught me that that's a queen.

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. Especially if your teammates are bad guessers. The only time worse would be during a game of "fake heart attack" ... followed by naps.

I went into a shoe store and I said, uh, "Hey, can I get those in a ten?" The guy said, "Sure," and he went in the back, then a couple minutes later he came out and he goes, "I don't have a ten; I have a nine."

"Great. 'Cause while you were in the back, my toes were severed off. Normally it would be retarded for you to say a number different than what we agreed on ... but given my very recent accident, you're right on. Congratulations; you're rehired."

I think vests are all about protection. Like, the life vest protects you from drowning. And the bulletproof vest protects you from getting shot. And the sweater vest protects you from pretty girls.

I heard this lady say, "I love kids." That's nice. It's kinda weird, though. It's like saying, "I like people for a little while."

It's weird – you can say, "I like kids" or "I love kids" as a general statement. It's when you get specific that you get into trouble: "I love twelve-year-olds."

Swimming is a confusing sport. Sometimes you do it for fun, but then other times, you do it to not die.

I think drowning would be a horrible experience. But I bet a little less horrible if right before that, you were really thirsty.

I don't like "thank you" cards, 'cause I don't know what else to say. What do I put on the inside?

"...Man."

"See front."

I just think they’re very redundant. It's like, "Thank you," you open it, "Thank you." Tell me something I don't know, you know?

"Thank you ... I fear dolphins."

"Hmm! This guy's grateful, and ... interesting."

You can say, "Thanks," and you can say, "Thanks a million," but any number in between – uh-uh.

"Hey man, thanks two-fifty-six."

"What?"

"Yeah, you gave me a ride; that's not worth a million. You know what? Two-fifty-five for questioning me. Keep it up, stupid; we're headed for 'thanks zero.' And that's no thanks."

I just found something in my hair. That's never a good thing. It's never gonna be, like, a treat.

I think I'm getting good at saving a situation in which I would appear like a dork. I just twist it at the last second. Like, I went to call my friend. I said, "Hello, is Chris there?" Lady said, "You have the wrong number." And I said, "No. ... I'm trying to avoid him."

[edit] The Remix

I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better.

"Where the hell did that rabbit come from?"

"I don't know, but I'm callin' the cops. 'Cause he just cut that lady in half."

Sometimes when you get dressed in the morning, you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flip-flops, you're saying, "Hope I don't get chased today."

I find that at most theme parks, the theme is, "Wait in line, fatty."

Every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal.

My friend's really into similes. He uses a lot of similes. He's like ... annoying.

A dreamcatcher works ... if your dream is to be gay.

I was staying in a hotel, and I asked for a wake-up call. Next morning the phone rang, and a voice said, "What are you doing with your life?"

"I'm up!"

I think it's weird that when you give someone flowers, you're really saying, "Here you go. Now watch these die. 'Cause I like you."

I feel like you should give someone flowers when you want to threaten 'em. "Here. You're next."

I use this product called "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!" 'Cause sometimes when I'm having toast, I like to be incredulous.

"How was breakfast?"

"Unbelievable."

Sometimes I mix "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!" with butter to make "I Can Believe Some of It's Butter!"

I was in a restaurant. The waitress said, "Do you want butter with that?" And I said, "I don't know what to believe anymore."

[edit] Other Jokes

I think an eating contest is really just the beginning of a shitting contest.

"Congrats, you're the winner. But in Round 2, everybody loses."

Why are there no positive mysteries? It's always like, "Who stole the diamond?" or "Who killed the butler?" How 'bout, "Hey, who made cookies?"

"Somebody cleaned my room."

If I had a bookstore, I'd make the mystery section really hard to find.

I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

I'm gonna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make 'em live together.

[edit] Sames and Opposites (song)

A musical is the same as a burlap sack / I would not want to be in either

A squirrel is the same as a can / When there’s a BB gun in my hand

Spare change is the same as wedgies for me / I don't give it unless someone's really asking

Saying "I apologize" is the very same / As saying "I'm sorry" / They're the same / Unless you’re at a funeral

Earrings are the same as sneezes / Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying / If you have two, then God bless you

A secret admirer is the same as a stalker / With stationery

An ex-girlfriend is the same / As an okay movie / I liked it at the time, but I don't want to see it again / Especially if the movie / Was kind of a bitch

[edit] These Jokes

I got a haircut before I came out here. And, uh, I went into this salon in New York, and I said, "Can I get a trim?" But it must have come out, "Gay Beatle, please."

Leo: Demetri looks like a gay Beatle. Or at least a bisexual George.

I wanna make a revolving door that says "pull" on it. See how obedient people are, you know?

"Oh, it's one of these."

[edit] Personal Information Waltz

This is called the Personal Information Waltz. I would like to invite to the stage to accompany me, my friend Will Forte. Let's get started.

Man in Audience: "I love you!"

"That was someone from the audience, not Will Forte."

I don't own a poncho, but if somebody asks me "Do you have a poncho," I don't say no, I say "not right now." 'Cause I do have a blanket and some scissors. And any minute I am two minutes away from a poncho. Or eleven scarves. It just depends how I cut it.

Whenever something good happens to me, I wait two weeks before I tell anybody. 'Cause I like to use the word "fortnight."

I think bears and worms aren't very similar. Until you think of "gummy." Then they're very similar.

I used to compete in sports a lot, but then I realized that you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything. Including checkers.

I hang out in sports bars a lot. I'm not that into sports. Not really a drinker, either. But I love slappin' five.

I'm gonna open a store called "Chasm." We're gonna be just like The Gap, but way bigger.

I think graffiti is the most passionate literature there is. It's always like:

"Bush sucks!"

"U2 rules!"

I wanna make indifferent graffiti:

"Toy Story 2 was okay!"

"I like Gina as a friend, but I’m not sure about taking things further!"

"This is a bridge."

I am afraid of sharks, but only in a water situation. If I saw a shark on the street, I'd be like, "What? Fuck you!" It's like the opposite of how I am with lions.

Will: "Fuck you, fucking sharks! FooooorrtNIGHT!"

If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I would just yell out letters.

"R! E! S! T! I don't know, but that spells 'rest', let him down! We can figure this out! Shouldn't you be hanging just his head, anyway?"

[edit] One Story

It was really hot this past summer in New York, where I live. I woke up and it was one of those really hot days. I decided I'd go to the beach. But it was too far, so I decided to go to Central Park instead. Besides, I hadn't been to the beach since the summer the synchronized swimming team drowned. It was tragic, but beautiful. Apparently the leader got a cramp, and they were pretty hardcore.

When I got to the park, I read a book cover to cover. It only took like two minutes, 'cause I went around the outside.

It was my friend's birthday, and I had to get him a card. But I was mad at him, so I put quotes around the word "happy."

Owning a dog in a city is like saying, "My need for companionship outweighs my distaste for picking up shit."

I was in a department store riding the escalator, and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

I was on the street and I saw a friend of a mine, all of a sudden, I hadn't seen in years. Guy named Dean. We went to high school together. Last time I saw him was like five years earlier when Dean and I were doing a roofing job together on top of a forty-story building. He started talking crazy that day, and he goes, "I can't take it, man," and he got up on the ledge, and he jumped.

Just after he jumped I looked down, and I noticed that Trampoline Emporium was having a sidewalk sale that day. Dean landed right on one of the trampolines, and bounced back up forty stories to where I was standing. And just as he floated up he said to me, "You know, I think a lot of your joke premises are contrived and hard to believe."

And that pissed me off. Anyway, the other night I was playing Twister with some amputees...

[A friend and I] were eating dinner, and he said to me, "If comedy doesn't work out, do you have a Plan B?" I said, "Hell no. My plans are numbered."

Someday I'm gonna get an apartment right near Carnegie Hall. Then it'll be really easy to give people directions to my place: "Practice, practice, practice, and make a left."

[edit] Some More Jokes

Whenever I meet somebody who has a kid, they have to show me a photo of their kid. But then when I show them a photo of me to show to their kid, I'm weird. What kind of one-way street is that?

"Yeah, he's cute, just give him that, uh, tell him it's Demetri. I don't know, give him my number, we'll hang out, I don't care!"

When somebody shows you a photo of their kid what they don't wanna hear is, "Oh yeah, I got some photos of your kid, too."

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in a bookstore, I just flip to the "About the Author" section. I'm like, "Done. Next?"

I like board games. There's so many board games with so many different titles, you know what I mean? Sometimes I feel like they can all have the same title: "Which One of My Friends Is a Competitive Asshole?"

People are inclined to help you when you have a map. But I find that it's a different story when you have a globe.

"Hi, could you tell me where the mall is?"

I wanna launch a globe into space, just to mess with astronauts.

"Captain, we're way further than I thought."

I got some new pajamas with, uh, pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept.

Now I'm like, "Where's my planner? Oh, there it is. 'Keep sleeping.' All right, I'm right on schedule. Perfect. Wish I had a pajama backpack for all this other stuff."

I'm in kind of a tough situation, 'cause I like rainbows, but I'm not gay – but I'm not against being gay, you know what I mean, if other people are gay. So I end up with, like, situations where I have a rainbow on something, but then under it I put, like, "Not gay," but then under that in parentheses it says, "But supportive."

'Cause it's just frustrating, 'cause it just stinks that that group, like, just took refracted light, you know? I say "Hey, we're all seeing this, all of us, come on! Take a couple colors on the spectrum, man, you guys get the whole rainbow."

What you need is a natural phenomenon for a sexual orientation, you know? It doesn't really make sense.

Leo: I'm still awkwardly on stage.

[edit] The Jokes with Guitar

I love playing the guitar. I find it very relaxing, you know? I actually started with guitar quite a while ago. As a street performer. It was hard. Because I was in the suburbs. In a cul-de-sac.

Not a lot of foot traffic. When people went down there to make a U-turn, I'd get 'em.

There's a store in my neighborhood called "Futon World." Love that name, "Futon World." Makes me think of a magical place ... that becomes less comfortable over time.

I think statues are wonderful. They show us what great people would look like if birds shit all over them.

'Cause pigeons have no sense of history. "Napoleon whatever, I just take some bread, so I'm going pretty much wherever I want."

How long is it gonna take in our society to see a person with an eyepatch and not to think that they're a pirate?

I saw a guy with a suit and a briefcase and an eyepatch and all I thought was "Yarr!"

"Off to me office, hold me calls, yarr! Where's me meeting?"

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary," and it said, "You're an asshole."

I was eating a bowl of cereal, and I had all these questions and comments. Luckily, there was a number on the box.

So I called. Said, "I have a question: Is this cereal as delicious as I think it is? And I have a comment: Yes!"

Batteries are the most dramatic objects. Other things stop working, or they break, but batteries – they die.

"Why aren't you listening to your Walkman?"

"I can't. My batteries died in my lap this morning. They were so young. The twins are gone."

If you're a battery, you're either working or you're dead. It's a shit life.

I notice there are no B batteries. It goes right from A to C. I think that's to avoid confusion. 'Cause if there were B batteries, how would we know when somebody wanted them or just had a stutter?

"Can I help you?"

"Yes, I would like some B-batteries."

"Sure, what kind?"

"B-batteries."

"Right. What kind?"

"B-batteries, damn it, I said it three times!"

And D batteries, those are hard for foreigners.

"Yes, I would like de batteries up there, please?"

And never order C batteries in twos.

"Hi, I'd like to see batteries?"

"Then look at 'em, stupid."

By the way, if you wanna sound like a creep, just add the word "ladies" to the end of things that you say.

It can be harmless too, it doesn't matter. Like: "Thanks for coming to my show... ladies."

"Help, I've fallen into a well, and I can't get out... ladies. Only the ladies, c'mon. It's like a jacuzzi with really high walls, you know you wanna."

"Cottonballs" is an example of something I'd buy, but would not want as a nickname.

"This is my friend Leo and Eric, and uh, this here is Cottonballs."

"How ya doin', I'm kinda fluffy."

"Cinnamon buns," on the other hand... yeah, I would buy those and have those as a nickname.

"Excuse me, are you Cinnamon Buns?"

"Bet your sweet ass I am."

"Sort of" is a harmless thing to say. "Sort of." It's just a filler. It doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, "sort of" means everything.

Like after: "I love you."

Or: "You're going to live."

Or: "It's a boy!"

This summer at a party, I learned that there's a small but important difference between "peeing in the pool" and "peeing into the pool." Location, location, location.

I remember when I used to really be into nostalgia.

I saw a sign that said, "Watch For Children." I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade. Especially they're crappy kids."

Went to a clothing store. Lady working there, she got mad at me. 'Cause she said, "What size are you?" And I said, "Actual."

"This ain't a trick, baby. What you see is what you get."

She was amazing. I never met a woman like this before. She showed me to the dressing room. She said, "If you need anything, I'm Jill."

I was like, "Oh my god. I never met a woman before with a conditional identity. What if I don't need anything? Who are you?"

"If you don't need anything, I’m Eugene."

I like to do crafts. I work quite a bit with glitter. Don't worry, I make tough stuff, like daggers and skulls.

The thing about glitter is, if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. 'Cause glitter doesn't go away. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

I love video games, but they're very violent. I wanna design a video game in which you have to take care of all the people who've been shot in the other games.

"Hey man, what're you playin'?"

"Uh, Super Busy Hospital... 2. Please leave me alone. I need to concentrate. I'm performing surgery on a man who was shot in the head 57 times."

I think they named oranges before they named carrots.

"What are these?"

"Those are orange... oranges."

"What about these?"

"Oh, shit. Long pointies?"

When they named the vitamins, they must've thought there would be way more vitamins than there ended up being.

"Okay, let's name these."

"Vitamin A."

"Keep going."

"Vitamin B."

"Okay, slow down, man, we got a lot to cover here."

"B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12"

Then they got to E and they were like, "We're pretty much done. Got all those damn B's. This is embarrassing. Let's just skip to K and get the hell outta here."

When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy. "Anteater?"

"What's he doing?"

"He's eating ants, done. Next?"

I feel like my washing machine is sneaky. 'Cause I put clothes in there and detergent. I start it up. And I hear all this noise, it's churning around. Then I open the lid to see what' going on, and he's like:

".............." "What, man? We're just hanging out in here. There's nothing happening, don't worry about it. I'm a washing machine, not a 'show you how I do it' machine."

I think a bad place for a fire would be a factory where they make those trick birthday candles.

"All right fellas, we're done here- aw, come on! All right, everybody make another wish. Let's get outta here."

I think it'd be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, "It looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need some help? You should use stronger language; you can get more money."

"Thanks, paper clip with a tattoo! Nice bandana."

It's weird how "finger puppets" sounds okay as a noun.

Ladies.

I went into a bar with my friends. I had to go to the bathroom. So I went in there, and I sat down.

And somebody had written on the stall "Metallica rules."

Under that, it said "Metallica sucks."

Under that, it said "You suck."

Under that, it said "Fuck you."

I just thought, "Man, a lot of people shit with pens. Why don't I have one? 'Cause Toy Story 2 was okay!"

This summer I wanna go to the beach and bury metal objects that say "Get a life" on them.

I love the beach. I love to get there really early, before everybody else shows up. I take, like, thirty bottles with notes in them, throw 'em into the water. And I wait for everyone to come to the beach.

When someone goes to pick up one of the bottles, I go up behind them. 'Cause when they open it, inside there's a note that says, "I'm standing right behind you."

If somebody asks you the question, "Are you ticklish?" it doesn't matter whether you say yes or no. They're going to touch you.

If they say "Are you ticklish" and you don't wanna be touched, you have to say something like, "I have diarrhea."

"Now don't touch me, 'cause you're gonna make it come out! And yes, I'm very ticklish."

[edit] Trivia

Includes two introductions: a CD introduction by Martin's grandmother and an onstage introduction by fellow comedian Arj Barker.

The red letters on the packaging comprise a code. It says: "Demetri sea jokes" (on the front cover), "some see more seashores see the hue red" (on the back), "I am at a site it is demetri inthis .com" (behind the CD), and "the code is tides" (behind the DVD).

Other messages in red on the back cover are "ego sum inconcinnus" and "double hawk."

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Categories: 2006 albums | Comedy albums