User:Scott Gall/Zidane headbutt humor/Zinedine Zidane facts

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This is a compilation of all the Zinedine Zidane "facts" that I (and an anonymous user) came up with. The facts keep in spirit with the Chuck Norris facts that started invading the Internet a year after I became a Wikipedia user. With the World Cup final coming and going, I've come up with original "facts" lampooning the headbutt incident (yes, even I saw it) that got Zinedine Zidane sent off 20 minutes into extra time.

If you have any original suggestions, put them on the talk page.

[edit] The facts

• Zinedine Zidane once headbutted the eastern part of Australia so hard that the smaller part broke away and drifted apart to make New Zealand.
• The real reason Family Guy was brought back was because three executives at FOX were headbutted by Zidane, and a fourth one would have gone the same way had it still been cancelled.
• Hawaii was only given statehood because Zinedine Zidane threatened to headbutt the then-President of the USA.
• Gorbachev was forced to introduce perestroika and glasnost because Zinedine Zidane was in the country.
• Edison came up with the light bulb just so he could see if Zinedine Zidane was nearby.
• Initial D was originally about someone inventing street racing in an attempt to outwit Zidane. The creators were headbutted after Zidane was written out and the main character was made a tofu delivery boy. Oh, and Zinedine Zidane hates tofu.
• Winnie-the-Pooh's red top is actually scar tissue from a headbutt by Zidane during the Hundred Years' War.
• Here's what was behind the misfortune during the Crush Gear anime series: Zinedine Zidane. When Kouya's brother challenged Zidane just before the World Championship final, Garuda Eagle smashed whatever gear Zidane was using. Zidane was so pissed off that he headbutted his opponent several times, causing his death. The headbutt caused a hairline crack in Garuda Eagle, and was behind Garuda Eagle's death. Manganji left the club afterwards because of a threat from Zidane. When Kouya had to go to the toilet just before the plane to Seattle for Round 2 of the World Championships, he missed his plane. The reason? Zinedine Zidane threatened to headbutt the guy in the control tower.
• If Zidane didn't accidentally headbutt a stained-glass window in a church during the plague, we wouldn't know that glass was breakable.
• Maui's canoe actually smashed because of a headbutt by Zidane.
• Speaking of Maori mythology, the Sun only slowed down because it thought Zidane was too far away to get him. He was wrong, hence the black "sunspots."
• The Goddess of Death was defied so people were less likely to die from a headbutt. She came back and helped Zidane with his headbutting.
• Zinedine Zidane was the person responsible for separating Tanemahuta (the sky father) from Papatuanuku (the earth mother.) It's anyone's guess how that was achieved.
• Marsupials keep their young in a pouch to protect them from Zinedine.
• Zidane can strike anywhere, so stronger and stronger materials were developed, eg. perspex and safety glass. We only know that safety glass can still crack because Zidane tested it out.
• Panic! at the Disco actually named themselves after a freak incident at a disco involving Zidane. Their costumes are a futile attempt to conceal themselves. The reference to "closing the god-damn door" in I Write Sins Not Tragedies was there to try and stop headbutting attacks. However, Zidane can still headbutt a closed door.
• Never go on the Weakest Link. Anne Robinson might be Zinedine Zidane in disguise.
• The Earth is still in orbit from a 4.6-billion-year-old headbutt by Zidane that also caused the Moon to break away.
• Zinedine Zidane disguised himself as an iceberg so he could prove to the world that even the Titanic could be sunk.
• Disco died out because of Zidane. He headbutted it hard.
• That "meteor" that killed off the dinosaurs was no meteor. It was Zidane. Disguised as a meteor.
• Veges are yucky because Zidane once headbutted the ground. All veges will have that characteristic yucky taste because of it.
• All disease-causing bacteria, viruses, and fungi are descendants of Zinedine Zidane.
• Zinedine Zidane was once asked to star in a film called "Australian Rules." His literary agent hasn't been seen since, so we know now that he doesn't like Aussie Rules. Never follow in such footsteps.
• The Confederacy lost the Civil War because Zidane, who was supposed to kick the Union out, kicked the Confederacy out instead - proof that Zidane decides what he will and won't do.
• Do not reveal this page to Zidane. He will headbutt you if you do.
• The McDonald's massacre in 1984 was caused because the belligerent was sent by Zidane, who didn't want to see people fleeing in all directions.
• How come Americans pronounce Laura as Lara? It's because of a defect in their voice-box caused by Zidane headbutting Noah Webster on publication of his dictionary. All Americans now have that defect (not to mention taking the "u" out of other words.)
• All the moa died out because Zidane headbutted them.
• If lateness is caused by unreliable transport, blame Zidane.
• Zinedine Zidane once swam the entire length of the Nile unscathed.
• The Wright brothers invented air travel just to facilitate more effective escape from Zidane.
• The reason that cows "drop bombs" regularly is to stink out the area and make it safe from Zidane.
• Cactuses developed the sharp points to make Zidane think twice about headbutting. That's why Zidane always wears a crash helmet before headbutting a cactus.
• The reason William Webb Ellis ran with the ball is because Zidane was on the pitch.
• The guards at Buckingham Palace actually work to keep the Queen safe from Zinedine Zidane.
• Asterix and Obelix are descended from Zidane. But neither of them headbutt.
• When they do liposuction, the hole for the tube is actually made by Zidane.
• Captain Planet only cleans up after Zidane, not the environmentally unfriendly.
• The Pokemon Seizure incident on Japanese television in December 1997 was caused by Zidane, who wanted to attack without making his presence known.
• The red in the French flag actually stands for their secret anti-terrorist weapon: Zinedine Zidane.
• Cancer is actually a bunch of cell-sized Zidanes headbutting other cells. That's why there's no cure.
• Sharks are descended from Zidane. How? They feed on blood.
• Zidane spits and he swears and he still gets his pocket money. Why? Because if things were any different, there would have been headbutting all round.
• Zidane can live on zero a week. He eats his victims after headbutting them, and the power companies are too scared to charge him.
• Curfews are only there to protect against Zidane. So obey them.
• The Trail of Tears is defined in Wikipedia as "anywhere that Zinedine Zidane has walked."
• The walls around medieval cities were there so the townsfolk were safe from Zidane. But it was found that Zidane can strike anywhere, hence the roof on the new Carisbrook when it opens in late 2010.
• It's just a matter of faith... or so the Warriors think. It's actually a matter of getting the ball over the try line before one of thirteen Zidanes headbutts you six times.
• Smoking is relatively not that bad compared to Zinedine Zidane headbutting you.
• Snails were first eaten by Zidane. That's why the French still eat them today, but they don't headbutt the snails anymore.
• The real reason Uruguay refused to go to the 1934 World Cup was out of fear of Zidane.
• Zidane can strike anywhere. This is evidenced by the sinking of the Rainbow Warrior in 1985.
• When you put money in a vending machine, it lands on Zidane's head. He headbutts the can out of the machine afterwards.
• When they demolish a stadium, they get Zidane in. Zidane's headbutt can knock out more than just a stadium, however, so they put up an invisible shield so houses and business don't end up demolished too. It works, but the shield is usually so badly damaged from the headbutt that it has to be put out of service.
• The asteroid belt is actually a whole load of British who were headbutted for making up a lie about the Holocaust.
• When a cat scratches you, its claws, which are actually Zinedine Zidanes that are too small to be seen with the human eye, headbutt your skin open. This works similarly to the stingray barb that knocked out Steve Irwin.
• Jupiter's Great Red Spot is due to Zidane headbutting a huge chunk off in an attempt to get it to stop spinning. However, things didn't work out, and Jupiter only took 12 years to circle the sun from hereon in.
• The reason that stars have such high temperatures is just out of a need to be protected from Zidane. When Zidane headbutts a star, it either explodes on contact (called a supernova) or grows in an attempt to engulf him.
• The throat-slitting action at the end of Kapa O Pango means "Zidane, you're gone." It doesn't always work.
• There was no gold during the so-called gold rush during the mid-19th century. It was made up to get people away from Zidane and into safer parts of the world. However, Zidane found out and by the time police made it to Gabriel's Gully to check on those who went to New Zealand, a whole lot of people had been headbutted. Similar attacks were reported in Australia (hence the Eureka Rebellion) and the United States, where Levi Strauss had brought canvas, and later, denim, to deaden the force of a headbutt.
• Zinedine Zidane was behind the random deaths in the Final Destination movies.
• Who is the Grim Reaper? Zidane, of course.
• Zidane owns everything in the world, and just lets others possess it in his place.
• Want to know how a bullet works? Zidane donates some of his skin cells, as this helps the bullet go faster than the speed of sound.
• Light and sound go really fast to try and escape Zidane.
• Jo Frost is Zinedine Zidane in disguise.
• The electric guitar was designed to give Zidane an electric shock, but when he found out about the contraption, he headbutted part of the amplifier so that when someone played it, it couldn't shock them.