Christopher Campbell Woodward
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| Chris Woodward | |
| Birth name | Christopher Campbell Woodward |
| Born | March 13 1990 Bolton, England |
| Style | Spontaneous Public Broadcaster |
| Country |  United Kingdom |
| Website | [1] |
Christopher Campbell Woodward is best known as the presenter of Woodward's Friday Afternoon Music Broadcast, a weekly podcast dedicated to the promotion of promising new acts on the indie music scene. The show has attracted much attention during its four-week lifespan, largely due to Woodward's dubious mental state.
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[edit] Family Life
Woodward was born in 1990, an only child to a middle-class family in Bolton. Though at first a healthy child, in 2002, doctors at Bolton General Hospital diagnosed Woodward with a genetic ageing disorder. Woodward will continue to appear as a twelve year-old for the rest of his life. Other symptoms of the condition include exceptionally soft, limp thighs and calves, and a voicebox smaller than that of the average Tawny Owl.
Though life in the Woodward household is largely secretive, reports recently emerged about an incident involving Woodward's mother. An irate Mrs.Woodward ran straight out of the shower down to the kitchen to adjust the thermostat on the hot water of the house, only to discover a horrified Christopher, overcome by the sight of his mother in the nude. Despite the grotesque nature of this event, he feels it necessary to recite the anecdote in polite conversation on a regular basis.
[edit] Rise To Fame
Woodward began amateur broadcasting in 2006, when he released a cover version of Kooks track 'Seaside'. Though it failed to chart, the single established Woodward as having the most ridiculous voice in Western civilisation. His voice is in fact so high, it sometimes strays outside the human range of hearing. The first twenty minutes of Episode Five of Woodward's Friday Afternoon Music Broadcast can only be heard by certain breeds of dog. This style of avant-garde broadcasting soon attracted public attention, and the show was met with critical acclaim. However, attention of a different kind was in store for Woodward. Three weeks into the show, an Australian psychologist named Dr.Alan Hobart voiced concerns about Woodward's mental state. Though it was recommended the presenter be sectioned under the Mental Health Act 1983 by Sir Michael Almond a chef in middleton, follow-up investigatioins failed to materialise.
[edit] Romantic Life
Many rumours circulate constantly claiming insight to Woodward's romantic life. The most substantial of these is Woodward's alleged connection with Hannah Dnistrianskyj. Woodward, however, asserts that their relationship is purely sexual, with no strings attached whatsoever.
[edit] Hobbies and Interests
Due to his abnormally cushioned thighs, Woodward is anthropologically ideal for playing Playstation games. He simply rests the controller among the squashy layers on his upper legs. Dr. Hobart attempted to patent this unique method upon discovery, but Wooward punched him in the face several times. This 'thigh moulding' technique provides Woodward with a distinct advantage when playing his favourite game, Pro Evolution Soccer.
Christopher's concentration levels are notoriously difficult to budge while he is playing the game; in 2001 he managed to continue with a game despite being indecently assaulted by several members of the animal kingdom.
Although one would expect Woodward to be an unbeatable maestro on Pro Evolution Soccer, he is regularly trounced by the stalwart Paul 'Pro Evo' Holden. Woodward attributes his constant thrashings to an actual belief that the game is real. He once famously broke down in tears after he was told by Holden that one of Woodward's players had been diagnosed with syphilis prior to a game, and so would be ineligible to play. In Woodward's mind, in 2004 he attended the wedding of Tottenham Hotspur striker Jermaine Defoe. In reality, Defoe remains unattached.
[edit] Awards
In 2007, Woodward recieved the Young Boltonian Broadcasters' Awards for his "innovative style combined with absurd ramblings." News of the award was recieved explosively by Woodward; his cardiac and respiratory rates increased so rapidly that, instantaneously, another symptom of his genetic condition was triggered. Unexpectedly, his right kneecap began to vibrate. This uncontrollable buzzing is potentially dangerous as it could dislodge the patella. Since he has no muscles or tendons in his legs, the patella is the keystone in Woodward's bodily structure. Without it, he could collapse and seep into the earth unnoticed as a boneless bag of blood. Woodward tries to keep calm.
[edit] Reputation
Understandably, Woodward's unique outlook on life and eccentric persona have sparked comment from people from all areas of expertise. Comedian Ben Clarke nicknamed the broadcaster "Woodshit," a name which continues to be used. Members of indie group The Black Jacks James Lees and James Southern have both labelled Woodward a "mental case" with "little grasp of reality."
However, all who meet Woodward agree that he is a charming, witty and extremely likeable person.
| Persondata | |
|---|---|
| NAME | Woodward, Christopher |
| ALTERNATIVE NAMES | Chris Woodward |
| SHORT DESCRIPTION | English broadcaster |
| DATE OF BIRTH | 13 March 1990 |
| PLACE OF BIRTH | Bolton, England |
| DATE OF DEATH | |
| PLACE OF DEATH | |
