Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly is a fictional character (read Rugby stor) created by Irish journalist Paul Howard. The character of Ross is a satirical depiction of a wealthy, self-obsessed, Foxrock-dwelling rugby player. Howard distances himself from his protagonist's viewpoint by describing himself as being "as working class as curry sauce, processed cheese slices and borrowing money from the credit union", not to mention being turned away from the exclusive Lillies Bordello nightclub many times. The Sunday Tribune newspaper features a regular column, written in the first person from Ross' perspective. The columns (which have been adapted into a series of books) chronicle the events of Ross' life, much in the manner of fictional diarists like Bridget Jones or Adrian Mole. Ross is a keen wearer of Dubarry shoes ("Dubes").

Contents 1 Language 2 Characters 3 Influence 4 Books

[edit] Language

The column is written in a phonetic representation of the intonation peculiar to affluent areas of South Dublin. This accent is one of the primary targets of satire in the columns. Though the basic idioms are derived largely from standard Hiberno-English, the South Dublin accent as represented by Howard has distinguishing features

• 'Car' is written as 'cor', 'arts' as 'orts', 'star' as 'stor', and 'fuck' as 'fock'.
• The "soft T" prevails: 'Right' becomes 'Roysh', 'DART' becomes 'Dorsh'.
• A form of rhyming slang exists: A taxi is a 'Jo Maxi' (or simply a 'Jo'), a face is a "boat race" and a love-bite is a 'Denis' (referring to the rugby player Denis Hickie). Ross often refers to having an Allied Irish, referring to Allied Irish Bank, or a wank. This can be confusing to overseas readers, especially when overused - "the pen is padraig" meaning "the stink is fierce" ("pen ink" meaning "stink" and "Padraig Pearse", "fierce"). The rhyming slang is one of Ross's proudest inventions in his attempts to be perceived as hip. One of the best rhyming slang phrases is the Theobald Wolfe Tone, or phone, variously referred to as the Wolfe or Theo.
  • Other forms of wordplay (occasionally employing equally obscure references) are also common. For example, a girl who has "fallen to the communists", has "Munster playing at home" or has won a "starring role in a period costume drama" is (or is speculated to be) having her period.
• Sentences are often punctuated with frequent use of the words 'loike' or 'roysh'.
• Female characters in particular use American figures of speech, usually in an American accent, gleaned from shows such as Friends. For example: "OH my God! I SO know what you mean!"
• Character's names are frequently Irish language names. Common names such as Seán, Liam or Orla would not be acceptable, but less common ones such as Fionn, Oisinn or Sorcha are.
• Female characters names are often spelt in unusual ways, which necessitates referring to them as, for example, "Jayne with a 'y'" or "Amie with an -ie".
• Ross, in particular, describes women by comparing them to female celebrities. For example "A total Ali Landry", "A bit of a girl-next-door vibe, if your next door neighbour happens to be Cheryl Tweedy."
• Ugly women are often referred to as "moonpigs", "swamp donkeys" and "weapons of mass destruction".

A typical statement from one of Ross' columns is "So there I was, roysh, class legend, schools rugby legend, basically all-round legend, when someone decides you can't, like, sit the Leaving Cert four times. Well that put a focking spanner in the works."

Although the main satirical targets of the columns are affluent South Dublin dwellers, elements of working class culture (sometimes called skanger culture, similar to the British chav phenomenon) are also parodied, again, primarily through language.

• Common exclamations include "Ah Jaysus!", and "(Wat's de) Story, bud?" (which is taken to mean "How are you, my friend?").
• The 'th' sound becomes a 'd' sound: "Wudja looka dat young fella over dare" ("(Would you) Look at that young man over there").
• "The Herald" becomes "The Heddild", 'aren't' becomes 'arden't'.
• The word "but" is sent to the end of the sentence rather than the beginning: "Didn't he do a whole lot for the country, but."
• Working class people are sometimes referred to by Ross as "Howiyas" (based on the Dublin accent rendering of "How are you?"), and the women as "Jacintas" or "Natalies" (names perceived to be common among working class Dublin women).
• The term steamer is a phrase used by Ross referring to a guy who 'bats for the other team or drives on the wrong side of the road' i.e: is homosexual.

[edit] Characters

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly (born Ross Kyle Gibson McBride O'Carroll-Kelly) - The protagonist and narrator. His initials, given to him by Tribune journalist Gerard Siggins, are ROCK. This is a double reference - Ross attended the fictional school Castlerock College (a combination of Castleknock College and Blackrock College, whose devotion to rugby over learning is the template for Father Fehily's school), which is known as 'Rock, but in reality, 'Rock is the nickname of the rugby playing school Blackrock College which is perceived to place more importance on rugby than academics. Ross is dimwitted, vain and a heartless womaniser. Though Ross performed well in schools rugby, his natural laziness meant that he never progressed in the game as an adult. Ross has a near psychotic contempt for "skangers" or "skobies" (as he refers to a particular group of people in Dublin, the majority of whom reside north of the River Liffey; however his opinion that all residents of North Dublin are of the lower middle/working class is unfounded though widely believed) and "boggers" or "culchies" (as he refers to people from outside the Dublin area). His marriage to Sorcha has done little to hinder his prolific womanising (at least, if his account is to be believed). Once he has had his way with a girl, he rarely replies to her calls or messages, unless he needs to use her for some ulterior purpose.

The reason for Ross' relative economic affluence is the fact that when he was a young boy, his father came into a fortune in a suspiciously short period of time. Criminal links have been rumoured, but never substantiated. With his millions in tow, his father bought a large estate in the leafy, gilded suburbs of South Dublin from which Ross' D4 lifestyle began.

Charles O'Carroll-Kelly - Ross' father. Ross treats him with contempt, often while obtaining large amounts of money from him. Is very proud of his son's rugby skills & demands the utmost respect for him from sports columnists. Ross' nicknames for him, possibly suggested by his initials, include "Dick-features" and "Knob-head". Remarkably these daily insults seem to fly clear over his head as he readily hands out cash without hesitation. Mr O'Carroll-Kelly is portrayed as an extreme right winger, with little respect for Trade Unions, the environment and state intervention in the economy. He was elected a councillor for Dun Laoghaire in the 2004 local elections. In 2006 he is jailed on corruption charges and currently in Mountjoy jail. Note that the family members initials are all intentional with Ross' spelling ROCK (a nickname of the "school" Blackrock College. The parents names are slightly ruder....

Fionnuala O'Carroll-Kelly - Ross' mother. Often gets involved in campaigns (such as "Halting Sites Where They're Appropriate") to keep working class and disadvantaged elements out of Foxrock. Much to Ross's horror, she has become a successful chick-lit writer, with a decidedly steamier approach than Cecilia Ahern and Co. Again, the initials of her name form a lewd joke in Ross-speak.

Hennessy Coghlan-O'Hara - Charles' solicitor and friend. He shares Charles' concerns about the working class, and is in trouble with the law for tax evasion. It transpires that "Hennessy" is merely an alias, and his real name is "Frank Awder". This comes as a shock to his daughter Lauren, who is now "Lauren Awder", something that "her old man is not too keen on", as Ross puts it. Hennessy is quite fond of the female natives of South East Asia. Along with Charles, Henessy is a parody of the mildly corrupt past of Irish life as exposed in the longrunning tribunals of Inquiry.

Christian - Ross' oldest friend. An obsessive Star Wars fan, he talks of little else and often merges movie scenes and quotes in to his day-to-day life. He married Hennessy's daughter, Lauren, in 2005. Despite the fact that Ross was instrumental in the failure of his parents marriage by sleeping with his mother, Christian is unshakably loyal to Ross and is the first to stand by him when trouble starts. However, Christian left for Hollywood, along with Lauren, to join George Lucas's writing team in early 2007.

JP Conroy - A friend of Ross' who prior to 2005 spoke "fluent morkeshing," i.e. marketing. He talked entirely in business slogans and catch phrases. (For example, "Sounds like there's a highly resourced, precisely targeted results drive going down here."). JP harbours an intense superiority complex towards members of the working class and common activities include driving through impoverished areas of Dublin shouting "Affluence" "The breadline" and "The poverty trap". According to Ross, he is doing an MDB (Managing Daddy's Business) at the fictional real estate firm Hook, Lyon and Sinker. However, this all changed following the death of Pope John Paul II, when JP embraced Christianity and rejected materialism. He recently entered the seminary, and is in training for the priesthood. Nicknames currently include JP III.

Oisinn Wallace - "One of the goys", a mountain of a man with the stomach of an elephant, as proved following his victory at the annual UCD Iron Stomach eating competition. Deliberately goes out with the ugliest girls. An aspiring perfume creator, he is able to tell exactly what aftershave or perfume his friends are wearing. His "old dear" is a "yummy mummy".

Fionn - The only one of Ross' friends with academic ability. Currently studying for a PhD. Though they respect each other as rugby players from their time on "the 'S'" (Schools senior cup team) together, Ross and Fionn are almost polar opposites of one another, and as a result the pair have often fallen out with one another. Their antipathy is compounded by the fact that Fionn harbours romantic feelings for Sorcha. He is widely rumoured, via the medium of toilet-wall graffiti, to have had an affair with Sorcha and indeed in some rumours to be the father of Ross' second child, Honor. Ross' jealousy about Fionn's infatuation was the catalyst for his marriage proposal to Sorcha.

Sorcha O'Carroll-Kelly (born Sorcha Eidemar Françoise Lalor) - Ross' recurring love interest, and eventually his wife. She is a benevolent character and is concerned with issues such as poverty and various endangered species. Her main interests are shopping and watching Friends, Dawson's Creek and The O.C. Ross repeatedly cheats on her but is possessive of her nonetheless. Her signature scent is Issey Miyake perfume. Sorcha worked for a short period, for Ross's father as a cut-throat human resources manager, helping him to "rationalise" the work-force.

Erika - Femme fatale and Sorcha's closest friend during college despite the fact that she cannot stand Sorcha's caring nature. Hobbies include horse riding and dating super-rich men. Totally uninterested with the predictable topics her girlfriends talk about (favourite moment in Dawson's Creek, Weight Watchers points etc). Can put down a man with one lash of her tongue and thus became something of a forbidden fruit in Ross' eyes. She repeatedly toys with the idea of seducing Ross (who knows he would be unable to resist), with the sole apparent intention of hurting Sorcha.

Ronan - Ross' illegitimate 8-year old son, who, to Ross' eternal shame, is a prime example of the skanger subculture. Though only a child, he has many criminal connections, and is tipped by his neighbours to become "the next Genoddle", i.e., The General, Martin Cahill. Surprisingly he is the only character in the series who has been able to make Erika smile and - despite the vast social gap between them - she has grown quite fond of him also.

Derek 'One F' Foley - Character based on real-life Irish sports reporter Derek Foley who writes for the tabloid Irish Daily Star, the newsaper variously described by Ross as 'The Paper for Peasants' and the 'Building Site Gazette'. The 'One F' refers to his personalised Star column called 'There is Only One 'F' in Foley' (say it quickly). Their friendship goes back to Foley writing about his Schools Cup heroics and there is a framed copy of the Daily Star with Ross's Cup final hanging on the wall of a nightclub in D'Olier St, Dublin. Ross and One F join together with the 'Echo and the Moneymen' consortium to buy famous nightclub Lillies Bordello.

Father Fehily - Principal of Castlerock. Rugby is all-important; students on the S are excused from all discipline. (for as long as they are successful). He intersperses his motivational speeches with quotes from Nazi speeches, which apparently goes unnoticed by even the more intelligent students. (Incidentally, Castlerock's school song is "Castlerock über alles", with parts of the Home and Away theme song inexplicably inserted.) He is essentially a propagandist for the students, teaching them that a good education is irrelevant and that they are the elite that will always have the door held open for them no matter what they do in life. Refers to the students and other members of the wealthy ruling class as "Germans". Father Fehily passed away in one of Ross's recent weekly columns in the Tribune.

[edit] Influence

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly is something of a cultural phenomenon within Ireland, and his name has become a byword for all that is perceived to be wrong in Celtic Tiger Ireland. Though it is largely viewed as satire, there are those who view Ross O'Carroll-Kelly as a role model and an idol^{[citation needed]}. For example, some people have imitated Ross' pastime of driving through disadvantaged areas in expensive cars, shouting "Affluence!" at passersby^{[citation needed]}. So infamous has the character become that local radio station FM104 feature a weekly phone-in with a R.O.C.K-minded person named Gavin (and his northside counterpart, Paudgie) on their morning show The Strawberry Alarm Clock. Some also claim that, despite that Ross O'Carroll-Kelly is intended as a satirical character of D4 culture, some D4s consider Ross a role model.

[edit] Books

Seven Ross O'Carroll-Kelly books have been published:

• The Miseducation Years, covering Ross' last two years at Castlerock College (an earlier edition of this book was published under the title The Miseducation of Ross O'Carroll-Kelly).
• The Teenage Dirtbag Years, covering Ross' first year at U.C.D.
• The Orange Mocha-Chip Frappucino Years, in which Ross' parents force him to support himself.
• PS, I Scored The Bridesmaids, in which Ross falls in love.
• The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nightdress, in which Ross becomes a father.
• Should Have Got Off at Sydney Parade, in which Ross has his second child.
• Ross O'Carroll-Kelly's Guide to South Dublin, the ultimate low-down on the centre of the universe, South Dublin.

The titles reference The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill, Teenage Dirtbag, Adrian Mole: The Cappuccino Years, PS, I Love You and The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time respectively. The first four titles are available to buy online from O Brien Press [1]. Following the signing of the author with Penguin the subsquent titles are available through Penguin [2] and all Irish book sellers online. In addition, a Ross O'Carroll-Kelly CD, Twelve Days Of Christmas, has been released, with the voice of Ross provided by Risteárd Cooper, and Lisa Lambe as Sorcha. The CD is available to buy online at Easons [3]