Shidduch
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Shidduch (or shiduch) (Hebrew: שידוך, pl. shid[d]uchim שידוכים) means a "[a] match" between a man and a woman, as well as the system of introducing eligible and marriageable singles to each other in Orthodox Jewish communities.
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[edit] The practice
In many groups belonging to Orthodox Judaism, official dating between the sexes is limited to the search of a partner for marriage, and follows a period during which both sides (usually the parents, close relatives or friends of the persons involved) make inquiries on the prospective partner, e.g. on his/her character, intelligence, level of learning, financial status, family and health status, appearance and level of religious observance.
A shidduch is often begun by a suggestion from close family members, friends or by people (men and women) who have made this process their hobby or even their vocation (a shadchan). A successful shidduch usually results in a fee (about 1k and up) being paid to the matchmaker, even if he/she is not a shadchan. There are variations of custom between communities concerning the agreements between the families of the prospective partners on the couple's future.
After the match has been proposed, the prospective partners see each other a number of times to discover whether they get along. It depends on the community practice how many times a couple meets before a decision has to be made whether to get engaged or not. In more modern comunities the process can last seval months, while in more ultra orthodox comunities the process can last weeks.
Positive aspects are that the practice complies with traditional Judaism's outlook on "proper behaviour" between men and women and is intended to prevent promiscuity. It can also benefit members of smaller communities who would otherwise have more difficulty to get in touch with potential marriage candidates.
Also, the decision as to whether or not the mate is good can be made with the emotional boundary of the shadchan who, if so desired by the couple, can call and talk to either side in the beginning stages of the dating to iron out issues that can crop up during the dating process. Usually as the couple see more of each other the shadchan backs away and lets the couple manage it for themselves. It's expected that the couple keep the shadchan up-to-date on how the shidduch is going at regular intervals.
If, for some reason, the shidduch does not work out, then usually the shadchan is contacted and it is he/she that tells the other side that it will not be going ahead. If the shidduch works out then the couple inform the shadchan of the success.
Negative aspects are the disadvantages to young people with medical or psychiatric issues, financial, family or sibling issues, chronic diseases, people with disabilities, people from broken homes, orphans, converts, suspected apostates, and baalei teshuva (returnees to Orthodoxy). Often the disadvantaged end up being matched with people with other disadvantages. It can also reduce the amount of choice for the prospective partners themselves. However, no more so than in secular environments.
[edit] Backgrounds
The Talmud (tractate Kiddushin 41a) states that a man may not marry a woman until having seen her first. This edict is based on the Torah statement: "Love your neighbour (re'acha) like yourself" (Leviticus 19:18), where the word "neighbour" can be interpreted as "spouse". In other words, a marriage that is arranged so completely that the prospective couple has not even seen each other is strongly discouraged, as it is likely to be uncomfortable for the couple, though in no way doomed to be without love, for that is dependent upon the grace of God.
The etymology of the words "shidduch" and "shadchan" is dubious. The Medieval Rabbi Nissim of Gerona (commonly called Ran) traces it back to the Aramaic word for "calm" (cf. Targum to Judges 5:31), and elaborates that the main purpose of the shidduch process is for young people to "settle down" into marriage (Commentary of the Ran to Talmud, Shabbat 10a).
[edit] The Shidduch in Culture
In Fiddler on the Roof, Tevye the Milkman's daughters have trouble finding a suitable match. The depiction of their matchmaking as conducted by an old widow named Yente is somewhat on the satirical side.
[edit] Shidduchim in history
The first recorded shidduch was the match that Abraham's servant Eliezer made for his master's son Isaac (Genesis ch. 24). Although his master had given him instructions, he was at the liberty to choose Rebekah. Yet, Isaac gained his own impression of her before agreeing to marry her (Rashi, commentary to Genesis 24:67).
When Abraham's servant Eliezer proposes to take Rebecca back to Canaan to marry Isaac, he is told by Rebecca's family: "Let us ask the maiden." That is taken as an instruction for Jewish parents to weigh their child's opinion in the balance during an arranged marriage, but this does not necessarily mean Rebecca had the final say (veto) regarding her arranged marriage, because the final say always belongs to God (just look at Jacob & Leah). Beyond this, most parents obviously want what is best for their children and wouldn't even think of marrying them to anyone they would not like, so most worries about arranged marriages are simply from "cold feet" anxiety and could happen to anyone planning to get married.
A number of famous rabbis in history have involved themselves in the matchmaking process. One of the most prominent ones was Rabbi Yaakov Moelin (Germany, 1355-1427).
[edit] Shidduchim and hereditary disease
Considering the prevalence of a number of genetic diseases in both the Ashkenazi and Sephardi communities, several organisations (most notably Dor Yeshorim) routinely screen large groups of young people anonymously, only handing them a telephone number and a PIN. When a shidduch is suggested, the candidates can phone the organisation, enter both their PINs, and find out whether their union could result in critically disabled children. Although occasionally receiving criticism, the construction has led to a sharp decline in children suffering (and dying) from Tay-Sachs disease.
[edit] Criticism
The process of shidduchim is the subject of some criticism, mainly for being "unromantic" and too closely resembling the practice of arranged marriages. However, this is not really the case as there is no requirement in the Shidduch process to marry the person being dated. It is simply an arranged date, through which romance can blossom, and most certainly not an arranged marriage. It should be noted that those using this matchmaking process, have a far lower divorce rate than the US standard. The numbers given are under 6%.[citation needed] Shidduchim have also proven traumatic for some people with disadvantages (as mentioned above).[citation needed]
[edit] See also
- Bais Yaakov (schools for Haredi girls)
- Beshert (a person's destined soul mate)
- Jewish view of marriage
- Negiah (guidelines for physical contact)
- Niddah (menstruation laws)
- Rebbetzin (rabbi's wife)
- Role of women in Judaism
- Shalom bayit (peace and harmony in the relationship between husband and wife)
- Tzeniut (modest behavior)
- Yichud (prohibitions of secluding oneself with a stranger)
[edit] Books
- Shani Stein. "The Survival Guide to Shidduchim". New York, NY: Feldheim publishers, 1997. ISBN 1-56871-132-8.
[edit] External links
- End The Madness, support for singles who have suffered stigma in the shidduch process.
- The Shidduch Site, provides extensive shiddduch-related information and resources for shidduch-dating singles
- Sephardic Shidduchim, provides extensive shidduch related information and resources for sephardic shidduch dating singles
- Arranged Marriages? chabad.org
- free shiduch site free site for frum Orthodox Jews
- subscription shiduch site one of the most prominent shiduchim sites on the web
- Does Everything Have To Make Sense? The deeper truths of matchmaking
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